the nation

2010-07-07T23:22:00.001-07:00

naomi, i wish i had been on this more when you were gone. we could have used it like we used to. :) i guess with the invention of facebook, our blog is slightly more obsolete. except for our anonymity, elitism about who can participate in discussion, and content. other than that, don't you miss this? mary has long made something else her homepage and i think rebekah even forgot this was on the internet. getting married and all...

so, i don't mean to be nostalgic or sentimental, because i was a lot of that in college and somehow i would have liked to leave that behind, in that era. but i think i get online when i'm sad and so it's hard not to tell the whole internet about my emotional world when i get to this blog. i'll resist the urge and not do it. and instead i'll just say, i liked it best when you were all just a doorway, or even a mattress away. i liked it when relationships seemed more simple and we mostly just laughed together. i hate that old is getting to me.

things I love about Germany

2010-06-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

*Feiertage. They get the days off and there's always some kind of fair or something that most people in the city participate in. And usually it's a real holiday, like a Christian holiday. And the whole country gets the day off and they hang out on city squares, eating their horrible food and pretending like it makes a difference whether your hot dog comes from a cow or a pig, or if you slice it up or eat it whole. But they also drink, and so...
*Apfelwein! It's so tasty, and so cheap, and healthy. It's the best drink in the world. Seriously. For 1,60 Euro you get a good-sized glass of something that's a bit like cider and a bit like white wine. Mmmmmm...
*Mass. It's crazy, they use loads of incense and the dude plays the organ, I think on the loudest possible setting, and trying to press as many pedals and keys as possible, I think, all at once. Everyone kneels on the floor or on hardwood slabs. At first I would lay a scarf down or something, because it hurts, but no one else does that. And I think they think it's part of the point, kneeling is a sign of respect because it's uncomfortable. Anyway, so I leave mass and I can't feel my legs, my ears are ringing, I'm not quite sure I said the right words in the liturgy, and for an hour I can only smell the church incense, which must have seeped into my clothes somehow. Anyway, I leave with the feeling that something has been done to me, and I think we miss that sometimes in the US parishes, with the emphasis on comfort, catering to people's tastes and so on. And the feeling of not being catered to, while I am sure it is heightened by my not speaking the language so well, is sometimes a nice feeling. I'm taking part in something that's not just me, that's not just how I like it. And that makes it better.
*Free movies online! It's crazy!
*Apfelwein. Seriously, it's awesome.
*I'm learning to speak German! It's kinda cool, to speak another language.

things I hate about Germany

2010-05-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

*The music. The only music people here listen to is bad american club music. Seriously, everywhere, 'I wanna make love in this club, in this club ...' like at all hours of the day. I have been to one cafe where the men in the cafe were listening to classic rock, which is cool! Plus for Germany! But they were also looking at semi-pornographic magazines, which brings me to ...
*Pseudo-porn everywhere. It's not just that people here don't mind showing nipples, or whatever, it's that every advertisement I see is sexual. And in every magazine there's pictures of women wearing just a thong, straddling some piece of equipment or something.
*"Oh, public transportation in Germany is so reliable and punctual! You can go anywhere on it!" Yeah, if you are a fucking millionaire. Seriously, one trip to the city center is about $3. And a monthly ticket (just inside Frankfurt) is 80 Euros! That's like, more than $80! So I walk everywhere. Which is exhausing, and uses up lots of calories, which brings me to...
*Food. Seriously, it's way worse than England. There is absolutely nothing here I like to eat. Everyone goes on about doner kabobs, but they, too, are bad here. It's like there's some invisible tastiness filter surrounding Germany and every thing you bring inside the borders immediately becomes bland and unsatisfying. I eat cheese and bread. And that, too, is expensive.
*Also, the food is terrible. I'm always hungry and I feel like I never eat. I eat a lot of bratwurst. Which is nasty. But it's only 3 euros and when I just want something to make me feel like I'm not going to faint, why pay 5 euros for a sandwich, which actually isn't a sandwich, it's just bread with a tiny bit of butter on it and the thinnest piece of meat you can possibly imagine.
*Coffee is bad, but cheap. Still, it's pretty bad.
*While I am sure there are some German movies, art, culture in general, it's fairly difficult to find. On the whole, people watch shitty American movies. Get your own damn shitty movies!
*The men. I hate them. They seriously have no respect for women. I have not met a single man here who I would be comfortable being alone in a room with, except perhaps this American guy. And I have several stories of unwanted touching (nothing horrible, but still unwanted), and the men seriously don't care if you glare at them, tell them to stop, it doesn't matter. I'm sick of just being made to feel like shit because I don't know how to deal with this kind of thing, I don't speak the language that well, it's scary, right, not knowing what to say. And I'm scared to be outside of my room after dark, because I feel like I'm not regarded as something valuable by half the people out there. And I like guys. Like 95% of the people I hang out with on a regular basis are guys. I know dudes well, and the ones here are the sleaziest, nastiest people I have ever come into contact with.
Seriously, Europe sucks. Sorry for the depressing post, but I feel like we're fed this lie about Europe, like ahhh Europe, how romantic. When really it's just a more expensive, more commercial and sex-crazed version of America. With horrible food.

2009-11-22T12:17:00.000-08:00

how long has it been since you visited here? me--six months.
since then, what has happened to me?

went on a lovely bike ride with a boy in the rain. we kissed. lights from the heavens shone upon us until i was abducted by aliens. taken to the middle layers of the atmosphere, shot down by switzerland. landed in the netherlands. met lots of people and learned swedish. visited ikea there. hiked through snow, stayed at hostels, got my money stolen and hitchhiked to london. had a surly relationship with a sordid man. escaped from him and became part of the underground music scene (i am a famous lead for an underground band--so underground you can't even understand our name). became protected because i was mobbed by underground fans everytime i went out of my underground apartment. sneaked onto a boat, leaving black mud footprints behind me on the pier. close to america the boat was caught in a storm, capsized, and destroyed. caught a ride on the back of a whale named boris. albatross took me in his mouth and dropped me on a buoy near maine. i waited until the ocean water froze over and ice skated back to shore. i found myself returning to consciousness in a stranger's house, in a stranger's bed. warm home, warm food, warm people. but i need to get back to school, so i jumped a train to kansas, where turtles cross highways and never get hit, through the beautiful rocky mountains and past my home (as i slept), through salt flats of utah, and into grungy california. i found my room messy as i left it, and the nation empty as before.

i have gone out on a few dates with boys since and made myself a fool. i think i would prefer alien abduction.

i miss my friends i used to have here.

happy birthday me.

2009-03-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

you care.

happy valentine's day

2009-02-15T14:11:00.001-08:00

2008-10-26T22:20:00.001-07:00

hey guys, remember when this blog was interesting?
can we do that again?

2008-08-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

no one ever minded philosophy

2008-07-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

I can start posting things about philosophy, if anyone's interested.

2008-07-08T10:37:00.001-07:00

how come no one says anything here anymore? it's been like, three and a half months.

The Poet Within...

2008-03-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

April is national poetry month. ...or at least Real Simple says so. they recommend exploring www.poets.org
Perhaps you can share one or two of your favorites this month. Perhaps we should go to a real poetry reading. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. You can even find out what poetry happenings are going on in your state!
I might even host a poetry event! Wow. I'm excited. You know how much I love to plan a party. yay.

The Way You Make Me Feel

2008-03-12T12:52:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited to be visiting Indiana. So, excited in fact that I found a youtube video to describe my feelings: http://youtube.com/watch?v=w-DcNPFWhbk Enjoy.

Also, Congrats to Liz on surviving 25 years.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiICITvwaow&feature=related

if you like that, you'll like this

2008-03-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMUd6xMLOgA

2008-02-27T19:35:00.000-08:00

will it feel like this forever, i wonder? will we forever be crying out to Him with no ears to hear, absolving our losses, taking accounts of entreaties, spinning, whirling, wrecking, head over heel as the world unravels? will we forever be stalled, unmoving as we cripple--the crooked and knobbed joints of sixth-day's beauty?

yet where will we go? and what shall we say? to whom should we speak? our words will never save us.
but who made this cruel world and cruel man and called it good? and how do we stop the hurling plummet into ever-deepening darkness of space?

will i forever be here, sleeping, alone? crying out echoes to the most high, the most powerful? will i forever be moving, unmoving? but the earth has me in its hold, its hand sliding up to my neck, securing me in its grip.

"Mornings, when light spreads over the pastures like wings, and fans a secret color into everything, and beats the trees senseless with beauty, so that you can't tell whether the beauty is in the trees--dazzling in cells like yellow sparks or green flashing waters--or on them--a transfiguring silver air charged with the wings' invisible motion; mornings, you won't be able to walk for the power of it: earth's too round. And by long and waking day--Sext, None, Vespers--when the grasses, living or dead, drowse while the sun reels, or lash in any wind, when the sparrows hush and tides slack at the ebb, or flood up the beaches and cliffsides tangled with weed, and hay waits, and elsewhere people buy shoes--then you kneel, clattering with thoughts, ill, or some days erupting, some days holding the altar rail, gripping the brass-bolt altar rail, so you won't fly."*

but yet,

"Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers nor stand too quiet when the setting sun makes red the veld with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing, nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much."**

and then what do we do with mornings? we cannot know by the dim light of the moon--morning's promise. yet, eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow you die. who gets his due of God's promise? we cannot know.

does it matter? because I - CANNOT - MOVE. and this world has my heart already. this cruel, dumb, merciless world.
cry, you robbed child, robbed with love and devotion to the valence of innocence of this wrecked world. it is pulling itself apart, and us with it. mourn, for your love cannot be innocent, your devotion pure, nor beauty undestroyed. cry, for you have lost your self, your sense, your soul to the fierce beauty of it all in the cruelly sharp and painful hands of the One who fashioned the depth and breadth of it all in mercy.

He, He whom I try to take leave of, but whom will never let loose His hold of me.

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand hold me fast.

FUN.

2008-02-23T20:35:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VeIL7juFE0

a title to ease aesthetics:

2008-02-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

http://www.thehungersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=1

make it your homepage.

p.s. i signed in!

2008-02-13T14:57:00.000-08:00

These Days...

2007-09-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

These days some people are getting married.
I am having are-we-or-aren't-we-dating drama.
These days some people are earning Phd's, becoming teachers, and getting promotions.
I am putting my career on hold because I procrastinated too long.
These days some people are buying houses.
I am starting repayment of my school loans and reconsidering my family's offer to move home.

In the words of our good friend, John Rzeznik, I'm hoping for "just a chance that maybe we'll find better days."

it'll all work out

2007-09-05T09:52:00.000-07:00

So I am covered in mosquito bites. I have one on my forehead that looks like a giant zit. But it's actually just a mosquito bite. I think it will look much better tomorrow.
I've started smoking more. Because I like it. And because, why the hell not. Life is short. That is a good thing. It will be better shorter. Just by like ten years. So I will die at 70 instead of 80. Who gives a fuck. I am going to go smoke a cigarette right now.
It is amazing how much the environment affects well-being. I am so fucking happy here, it is ridiculous. Even people I thought were assholes I am starting to like a lot. (People I liked a lot are starting to be assholes . . . but that's a different story). But for real. I feel completely like myself here. I am becoming hard again, I like that better in myself. I think Sasha made me want to be pretty and nice. But now I can be ugly and mean. This is better.
I've stopped doing my laundry. I've decided I'm going to wear every article of clothing I own before doing my laundry. Multiple times too, I've just started leaving my clothes on the ground. I might buy a house. But then again, I might not. I miss you guys. Come stay with me.
I am going to go kick Aristotle's ass in Starbucks while my oil is being changed.

More From the Urban Dictionary

2007-08-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

Work Hot

A person that may or may not be hot, but is the most attractive person in the set of people you work with so you lust after him/her.

Person 1: So this new girl at your work is she hot?

Person 2: Hell yeah...well I mean she's work hot

Hmmm... Liz can you think of anyone who is 'work hot'?

Urban Dictionary's Word of the Day

2007-07-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

Sapiosexual

One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.

"I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay. I want someone who sometimes makes me go ouch due to their wit and evil sense of humor. I want someone that I can reach out and touch randomly. I want someone I can cuddle with.

Goes right along with, "I want to date someone smarter than me. Too bad Albert Einstein is dead" doesn't it?

My not-so-new-haircut

2007-07-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

Look at me!
What do you think? I know. It looks like I was trying too hard to look cute. You know how everyone likes to take their picture from above? well that doesn't really work for me. I either end up looking demonic or like I have an abnormally long nose.
Now, in this other picture I'm trying to look like Penelope Cruz. Sorry the picture is grainy. I had trouble finding the original. Close eh? Except for my face, I know. Oh well. We can't all look like movie stars now can we?

indiana

2007-06-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

I am remembering now what it is like to be alone: second guessing everything I do, feeling guilty about the little things. But perhaps we should feel guilty about the little things. Perhaps I have become a worse person because I've stopped feeling guilty about those things.
The apartment is empty and I can only think about myself or the furniture, my future, my relationships, where I should buy a bookcase and if I should buy a bookcase. Maybe that is why people make good poets at this age, they are so internally focused they can't help but express well all their narcissistic angst. It will be good to grow older, I think, to outgrow this phase. But it is hard when life starts over every two years, and I feel like I am at the same place I was two years ago, always saying the wrong thing and becoming increasingly lonely.
But it is nice, also, to be back where I was, to feel the same as I once felt. It's like things haven't changed, although they've changed drastically. Maybe some people don't deal well with happiness, just like some don't deal well with sadness. I don't even know why I am sad, except that the future is uncertain and I am missing people a lot right now.
But I will see you soon, Liz, and Doug and Hanna even more soon.
I got pillows in the mail today, four of them, for the four of us. YAY. We can play euchre too, and spades, and many other four-person games. I have four wine glasses and four bowls and four big plates and four little plates and four matching mugs. I also have four big spoons and four little spoons and four big forks and four little forks and four knives. I have four cigarettes left in my pack and I have four decks of cards and Soda has four legs.
Now I am HAPPY!

2007-04-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

the beauty of the internet is that the whole world is at your fingertips. and when you write something it is so much easier to believe that someone is there who wants to hear you. someone wants to let you be you. someone. anyone.
anyone.
and its space is endless. there is always space for you. it is silent enough to give you a chance to speak. but that is its same problem. that it is so silent that it cannot respond, and the silence echoes through the corridors of experience until you remember, once again, that you are alone. but perhaps someone will read your message in a bottle in this isolated sea of islands.
that is all. there is so much and i am so small and so few people seem to see me that sometimes i wonder if i am real. so few people seem to care that i wonder if i am mistaken about love.
i am the seat of so many expectations and so few genuine affections. i wish sometimes that others weren't so small that they could love me too. i suppose, though, that that is part of our struggle, loving one another when we feel so unaccepted? so unacceptable? loving others when they are unacceptable to you? but that is not what it's supposed to be. i just wish someone would know me for who i am, love me for who i am, accept me for who i am and let me be. without expectations, without pressures, without needing something from me that i was never supposed to fulfill; in fact, i wish others would learn to take care of themselves in the ways they should so that those responsibilities wouldn't be mine. i wish we could all be whole so that we had enough to give to others, and that we could love others as they are. i'm tired of my existence being wrong to others. i just wish they would give it the fuck up. if i am not what you want me to be, then let me be. and you can be. and we will be separate. because we are not all the same.
and i am glad. its a shame the others are not.

Sad.

2007-04-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/11/books/11cnd-vonnegut.html?_r=1&emc=na&oref=slogin

The taste of Victory

2007-04-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

So, I decided I needed to go shopping the other day because I had 2 dates lined up for this weekend and I wanted to look hot.... which, by the way, is hard to do when all your clothes don't lay quite right on you because you are between sizes. As you know I've been avoiding buying new clothes because I am losing weight and didn't want to buy an awesome outfit only for it to be too big in a few months. So I caved: I had a date and you know looking hot now is more important than losing an outfit in a few months. But here begins my tale of victory: in the unlikely location of the fitting room.

I was looking for some capri pants because they can be dressed up or casual and look good with heels or flats. When I started my diet, my size 18 pants were beginning to feel snug. Gradually I got back into my size 16's and they too are getting a little baggy in places. So I thought, wow that would be nice to be back in a pair of 14's. It's not my end goal, but this is one stop on the way. But do you know what happened in the fitting room yesterday? (here comes the climax) I got into a size 12. A twelve! The last time I wore a size 12, I was in the 6th grade! Granted, it was a snug fit, and only one pair of pants I tried on fit in a 12... (the others I would have had to buy a 14) but that's not the point. I bought the 12's. This is a huge milestone for me. These pants will be a little tight on me, but they will also serve as motivation. And when the day comes that these pants are too big... well, that day I'll be venturing into uncharted territory. I have never worn any ladies or juniors clothing smaller that an 11/12... before that it was all in the upper end of girls plus size. Can you imagine? Yesterday was a day to remember. I looked damn hot for my date and I'm proud of it.

I'd like to send a special thanks to Liz and the Laneys who made this fitting room miracle happen... I finally used the Old Navy gift card I got for Christmas :)

I LOVE SODA

2007-04-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

I removed you, Liz, and reinvited you. Maybe that will help. If not, we can start a new blog, an even more exclusive one, call it the island. wearetheisland.blogspot.com.
I'm thinking that even though George W Bush should never have got us involved in Iraq, that perhaps it would be irresposible to leave now, and even stronger, it is the moral responsibility of the US to stay there until we can leave it at least in the same state as we found it. For every US soldier that dies, 200 innocent Iraqi citizens die, most of them victims of sectarian violence. It would be easy to leave, but perhaps we should stay, for decades if necessary--what do you guys think?
Also, did you know that students get TimesSelect for free, if you belong to a university?? Sweet ass.

Testing ... Check ... check

2007-04-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

It seems there have been some technical difficulties. Liz, did you get the problem fixed? Are you able to post now? I checked on the settings permissions tab and you are listed as an administrator. Did you upgrade to the new blogger beta version? I had to. That might help. Good luck

the world's gone cold--no one cares about love anymore

2007-03-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

It's been such a long time. But I WILL be down there on Thursday March 22nd! Until Monday March 26th! And maybe I'll get to come earlier, if I can reschedule one of my finals.
Are you sad that I am leaving CA? I am sad, a bit. But not too sad, since I don't think I could bear not smoking indoors, or not having a ferret. Good thing I didn't get into Stanford, because then I might be tempted to go there, and then be arrested for smoking indoors. That would be terrible.
Actually, if location was not a factor, ND would definitely be my top choice. But I will miss you guys, and my family and my HOT boyfriend, and toilet seat covers.
(It's true, toilet seat covers are rare. I was very confused: 'Am I supposed to hover? Or sit directly on the seat?' So I'll probably come back either with very nice quads or with some sort of butt fungus.)

Hey bitches

2007-03-04T17:11:00.000-08:00

Looks like I'll probably be going here:

the blind man who thinks he sees

2007-02-26T21:13:00.000-08:00

Soda tears up the carpet. I don't know what to do. Alex says to de-paw her. Is school the most important thing? I hope I never own anything that I can't let get ruined. Worst assignment ever: compare your family to a popular American TV series family (in french). Why not to popular characters from porns? Or something equally menial. I'm pissed. So I'm comparing my family to the Simpsons. hmmmm. I got into Indiana University with this fellowship. I get to go and visit, too. Notre Dame was beautiful. It had snowed before I got there. And my roomate was the coolest ever. But they are only taking like 3-4 of us, out of the 10. So, hopes are down. I'll hear soon. It is all so arbitrary, it seems. It is a bit disturbing to me that I am letting something so arbitrary decide where I will spend the next 7 years, and probably everything after that too. And comforting, in a way. I'm going to take 2 classes next quarter instead of 4 and read literature. Liz, I read some Vonnegut. It is refreshing, to say the least. Did you ever read Bulgakov, Master and Margarita? It is the best. Please read it, if you haven't.

I don't know when I will be able to come down. There are a couple possibilities. March 10th and 11th. Or March 24th through 26th. Anyway, I don't know. I miss you guys. I am like a prune. A sad prune.

it's been a long time.

2007-02-07T20:13:00.000-08:00

i don't think i've posted for awhile because i think i made a pact a while back. i guess lent is over.
i should be doing homework, but i've decided to be brilliant instead. how come no one appreciates kurt vonnegut? honestly, americans are so fickle and, well, stupid. it's not hard to be brilliant in a society like this.
i made tapioca pudding but didn't stir it constantly enough, so all of the ingredients did not fuse well. i could tell you about things of more substance, but really, they're too hard to digest. you know, like babies and milk and meat and all. so instead i post pictures of myself...my brilliant self.
this is where i live:some might say it feels like hell. but only on the inside.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know i'm a day early, but i'm actually posting in honor of your birthday, and it's been a several month fast, so, suffice it to know that i know your birthday's not until tomorrow.
other words we can make from HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY!!!!!!
harp i!m a bird!
Hay, pirty mary!
dam it ray! (as in, stop the water from flowing, ray)
pay my bi(lls)!!!! yay!!
arm pit
hairy
hairy arm pit!
third arm (as opposed to third nipple)
harm thy pip
bad army. (periods count because they're part of exclamation points)
i am a rhybappyhitmyr.
tha yhmd.

Still nothing in particular

2007-02-05T21:41:00.000-08:00

I've realized the only people whose emails I am excited about (you know, when you say, oo! an email! and open it with anticipation . . . ) are either graduate students or professors. I will read people's emails and perhaps respond if they have a bachelors degree, but they can forget about the response if they are just an undergraduate.

Just kidding. I forgot to email one of my students when they emailed me with a homework question. Now it is way too late. I feel bad about it. I forgot to answer an important email from a professor once too, so perhaps that evens things out.

I am going to Notre Dame in a couple weeks. They invited me for what sounds like an interview/preview weekend thing. This is exciting, to me, in the email they called me one of their top applicants! There is a professor of philosophy there who does continental philosophy of science. Interesting, huh? Maybe french could come in handy after all, I didn't know anyone was doing anything like this. I would ask to meet with him when I go, but I don't know anything at all about French philosophy, so I would have nothing to say, or even to ask. The bad news is I won't be coming down that weekend, or this one. I will have to wait until the quarter is over. MARCH 22! We will have to content ourselves with the birthday string.

I can't believe you are going to SEATTLE, the best city in the world! Have you been to Seattle, Mary? Alex and I had an argument about Seattle, he didn't believe me when I said it was a native american word. Ha.

I miss you guys. I should really be writing a paper right now. Goodnight.

Pat me on the back!

2007-01-24T23:28:00.000-08:00

So, as you may know, I decided to start a diet given the flurry of weddings this year and my chronic singleness. I started the southbeach diet on Tuesday the 16th. When I weighed myself on our bathroom scale on Thursday January 11th, I was 192.2. Bad, I know. Anyone wonder why I have a negative self image? Anyway, so I try to weigh myself on Thursdays, but since it is almost midnight on Wednesday I figure I'm close enough to Thursday that I can weigh in. And guess what? I'm at 181.4! That is 10.8 pounds! Guys, do you know how encouraging that is? I honestly have been getting discouraged lately because I'm bored with my options in the phase 1 of south beach and am missing my carbs. As of yesterday and today I was about ready to chuck the whole thing... then I weighed in! On the 30th I should be able to re-introduce some whole wheat and fruits in small amounts in phase 2. I can't tell you how excited I am for that. But really, I've lost 10 pounds! Granted, I don't look any different, but it is a start. The weightloss goes a little slower once the carbs start to get re-introduced, but I'm thinking I might alternate weeks and go carbless every other week until after Anna's wedding, just so that I continue to slim down.
I need to work on being active though. So far, I have not done much between my classes and trying to catch up on assignments, but I'm aiming to walk around the neighborhood every day after I get home from work. Also, I've decided to join the beginning swing dance class at memories, so that counts toward my activity level AND helping me overcome my dance floor phobia. I'm thinking I need a set of dumbbells or something to do some arm toning. Birthday anyone? I don't mind used ones! Anyway, if you think about it, pray for me to stay motivated and fight the urge to splurge. This is definitely a lifestyle change for me.

I don't really have anything to say . . .

2007-01-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

Hi! So you called me Liz, but I think Sprint took down a tower or something because now I can't make calls from anywhere near my apartment. Sweet, huh? But I got your message. Thanks for calling.
And if Rebekah still reads this OMG!!! Hi, GETTING MARRIED!! I want to come see you, will you be around a weekend in February or something like that? I don't have your number anymore.
So, I was riding the bus and I saw this poster above the windows of the bus, you know how they do that? Anyway, it was a poster of a busty blonde girl with a t-shirt that said "I WANT ACTION" in big block letters and then under it in small letters, "when it comes to violence against women." Yes, it was a poster probably put there by some non-profit agency supposedly raising awareness about domestic violence and what not. Next to this picture they said something like, "Take a stand when it comes to violence against women-if someone you know is being hurt, or if you hear a sexist comment . . ." I just wanted to say, that is ridiculous. What the hell.
Mary MAARCH! I haven't heard from you in a while.
I think the worst thing in the world is waiting to hear back from the schools you applied to. What are they doing? They've all had my application for over a month and I haven't heard anything. Rejection is also bad. Do you guys know that I cook dinner for Sasha like three times a week? I have it ready when he comes home from work. Who would have thought, huh? Pretty sick. He cooks for me too, though.
Now I really have nothing to say. I hate Valentine's day. I used to think I hated it because I was single. But I still hate it. That's all.

Soda, the space shuttle, and the astronaut.

2007-01-09T22:53:00.000-08:00

Pictures

2007-01-09T22:43:00.000-08:00

Are you burning a hole in the O-zone?

2007-01-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

I found this cool calculator that figures out how much CO2 you produce annually and projects how many trees would need to be planted to offset your pollution. Cool huh? Check it out for yourself! http://www.americanforests.org/resources/ccc/

I have proof: I'm OLD

2006-12-30T02:03:00.000-08:00

Well, not old per say, but proof that I'm older than I should be. I took the survey on realage.com and it said that I am actually 5 years older than my chronological age due to various health and lifestyle factors. So, if I'm really 28, would it be so bad to date a 34 year old? Nevermind. That's not really an option anyway. But honestly, maybe this explains all the silver hair on my head. This site also recommended a plan of action to tweak the areas that are "aging" me and maximize what I've got going for me. Among the recommendations, it said I should get a dog. Gosh, I want a dog. Too bad I'm too poor to afford the expenses. Anyway, if you are bored you should take the quiz too and post how old it says you are. I'm 23.9 chronologically, but my real age is 28.9

Merry Christmas and all that

2006-12-27T02:29:00.000-08:00

So, I had a good Christmas. How about you all? I got some things I wanted and some things I didn't... but that's how it always is, isn't it? I got a few tops, a couple DVDs, 2 books, a razor, a vaccum, and a bunch of make-up. I'm happy. But now I think I'm going to be bored. Melissa left tonight. She will be on a flight to Ukrane tomorrow. Anna does not come back until the 4th, and I have no clue when Liz will be back. So at the very least, I'll be alone until the 4th. I don't know what to do with myself.
Nomes, do you have any plans for New Years? I'm thinking maybe I should drive up to see you. I dont go back to work until the 2nd, so I could come up thursday or friday and just take my time visiting. what do you think? Anyway, I think I should go to bed even though I don't feel tired. I slept in really late today. I didn't get up till 2:30pm. Ok. Bye.

HEY!

2006-12-14T12:46:00.000-08:00

I am officially admitted to that one school in England.

I will see you all very very soon.

from wikipedia: I WIN

2006-12-09T19:03:00.000-08:00

There is some debate as to whether artificial or real trees are better for the natural environment. Artificial trees are usually made out of PVC, a toxic material which is often stabilised with lead. Some trees have a warning that dust or leaves from the tree should not be eaten or inhaled. A small amount of real-tree material is used in some artificial trees. For instance, the bark of a real tree can be used to surface an artificial trunk. Polyethylene trees are less toxic, though more expensive, than PVC trees [3].

Artificial trees can be used for many years, but are usually non-recyclable, ending up in landfills. Real trees are used only for a short time, but can be recycled and used as mulch or used to prevent erosion [4]. Real trees also help reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere while growing.

Live trees are typically grown as a crop and replanted in rotation after cutting, often providing suitable habitat for wildlife. In some cases management of Christmas tree crops can result in poor habitat since it involves heavy input of pesticides. Organically grown Christmas trees are available in some markets, and as with many other crops, are widely held to be better for the environment. Dr. Patrick Moore, a co-founder and former president of Greenpeace, writes:

Whether you choose a cut or growing tree to enjoy this holiday season, I believe that a sensible environmentalist would opt for renewable over non-renewable every time.

Why Christmas trees are good for the world: A Response

2006-12-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

#1 They do bring the outside inside. in that case, welcome to my home bubonic plague.

#2 the are pretty and make people smile. and they smell nice. until they die because you took them out of their natural environment.

#3 the world is made up of natural things; in fact, all things that are made are made from something organically from the earth. the imperfect and natural world is more beautiful than the imperfect, immoral. it is immoral to cut down trees for Christmas vanity. therefore, your tree is ugly.

#4 it probably does not cause more harm to the environment to manufacture plastic trees which are rarely disposed of than to fell tomes of trees that are disposed of en masse just for a bit of pine smell.

#5 getting rid of people prevents forest fires.

#6 mary likes the fake tree, and chews on the pine needles.

#7 I want to date/be a forest-dweller. don't you? i mean, you ARE from davis, which is not a far cry from Berkely. right?

Why Christmas trees are good for the world

2006-12-08T01:14:00.000-08:00

#1 They bring the outside inside. We need more of that. In fact, I am going to chop down a whole forest and bring it inside my house. That way, it will feel like the outside with the luxury of climate control.

#2 They are pretty, and make people smile. And they smell nice.

#3 There is a lack of natural things in the world. 'Why have real boobs when I can just buy some PERFECT fake ones?' So we need a reminder that the imperfect and natural is more beautiful.

#4 It probably causes more harm to the environment to manufacture plastic trees and then dispose of them when the plastic pine needles come off than to cut down a tree every year.

#5 Cutting down trees prevents forest fires.

#6 Soda likes it, and chews on the pine needles.

#7 I want to date/be a lumberjack. Don't you?

O Tannenbaum

2006-12-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

Me too, Me too!

CHRISTMAS TREE!

2006-12-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

Pretty sweet, huh?

Life in Davis: part XVI

2006-11-25T23:19:00.000-08:00

So, after being a bit tired of philosophy profs telling me that I should 'try to satisfy your interest in philosophy in an undergraduate class' and then being a bit bored in the undergraduate class, I decided to try one more time to take a graduate philosophy of science course, with a philosopher of physics, Professor Paul Teller. So I go and talk to him in person, and he tells me that he would love to have me in his class, and gives me a bit of reading to do in order to prepare. So my faith is restored. And he also brought up the possibility of reading a manuscript with him, to check the science, which would be great for me. It's on quantum field theory, something I can do, although I don't quite understand what I am doing. So I'm happy about that. And school is totally hard, but fun right now. I'm writing a paper on the problem of time in quantum gravity for my general relativity class, which is basically exploring different roles time can play in these different theories, problems that arise in combining GR and quantum.
Happy thanksgiving. I've got a lot of homework to do. How is your sister, Liz? Wendy and Mark are here, and Bethany and Jared, and Adam and Vic hung out a lot. So that was nice. Probably won't happen again for a while, all of us together like that. My family is crazy active. We all went running a couple times together, and played a bunch of sports on Friday, tennis for a while and then this long basketball game. And today we went on a 10 mile hike up this huge mountain. I am so sore. Mary, you can also be thankful your family doesn't put you through boot camp when you come home for thanksgiving. Okay. Goodnight everyone.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for...
... friends that keep in touch
... my apartment
... my job
... my fuel efficient car
... being able to afford to do things I enjoy
... the space my family has given me
... roommates I get along with (for the most part)
... itunes downloads
... commercial free satellite radio
... puppies
... my down comforter
... that God has given me something to look forward to in Jesus

Since Mary posted about World Jump Day . . .

2006-11-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

Here is something similar but much more exciting! Read about it here!

The Event

WHO? All Men and Women, you and everyone
you know.

WHERE? Everywhere in the world, but especially in countries with weapons of mass destruction.

WHEN?
Winter Solstice Day - Friday, December 22nd,
at the time of your choosing, in the place of your choosing and with as much privacy as you choose.

WHY? To effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy a Synchronized Global Orgasm. There are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti-submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, so the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!

So, what do you guys think? Do something good for the world.

alo?

2006-10-30T22:44:00.000-08:00

HI... i'm alive. are you? cute pictures below, by the way.

mike turns 21 on nov. 22nd... anyone interested in coming down here in the days following thanksgiving for a li'l over-21-fun?

i miss having a life, but i think i've gotten used to not really having one. i was actually excited tonight to spend my evening cleaning my room while watching x-files on dvd.

i bought a cute brown corduroy messenger bag with yarn-embroidered flowers on one corner a few weeks ago at aeropostale (abercrombie for poor-and-not-slutty people!), and i have yet to use it. i actually loaded it up with my journal and some books the other day and put it in my car, envisioning that i would take it and sit at the blue mug (or starbucks, if i was feeling less snooty) with my nose in some fine literature while my cute bag slouched on the floor. needless to say, the bag sat in my car, full of books, for about a week until i gave up and brought it back into my house. i'm not in college anymore, dammit! it's funny because that's something that is so obvious, but it only hits me in small ways:

1. i don't have time to actually sit in coffee shops. i buy my latte and maybe a muffin and i run off to the place i'm neglecting because i have to stop and get a damn latte every day.

2. i can afford things like... new clothes. once a luxury item only obtainable from places like the salvation army, amvets thrift store, or maybe old navy (if i'd managed to scrimp on food for a while); now readily available in non-preowned variety!

3. i have a zoo/wild animal park membership. for two years i held out on buying that stupid $99 pass to disneyland because i just couldn't bring myself to spend that much money all at once on myself. i'd rather have spent it over a series of all-nighters at denny's with a side of cheese fries.

4. i can't surf anymore. my pretty board stands awkwardly against the wall in my room, mocking me silently every time i try to squeeze by without getting wax on my clothes. last time i went out i got pummeled by some knee-high whitewash and landed just right to get the wind knocked out of me. pathetic.

anyway, all that to say that sometimes i miss college life. yes, everyone does, and yes, it's quite a cliche. but i certainly don't miss all of it. i just know that i'm actually growing up and i haven't figured out how i feel about that yet.

miss you guys. hope all is well!

my favorite picture of us.

2006-10-01T21:11:00.000-07:00

our theme song...

2006-09-23T23:19:00.000-07:00

get your payments from the nation
for your trials and tribulations...

it feels good to come undone.

"Are you just getting your master's?"

2006-08-31T01:29:00.000-07:00

Of course, the answer is simply yes, but that doesn't mean I can't get annoyed at the question. It seems to me that people just assume that I have no ambition beyond master's level work, and sorry to beat a dead horse but it is true, that it is because I am a woman. I highly doubt any of the men in my program get asked this multiple times per quarter by their students. Frankly, I am a bit tired of being a 'woman in science,' having answers to questions I ask be directed to the male in the room, as if I couldn't understand the answer. And I am tired of this feeling that I must constantly prove myself, because everyone will assume I am just a bit less intelligent than the men until I demonstrate otherwise. It's like I've been relegated to mediocrity from the beginning. And I am excited to do what I am doing, I am glad to get a PhD in philosophy of science, because it is really what I want to do, and I am glad to be earning a master's in physics. I just wish I could leave without people thinking, 'Oh, she couldn't make it here.' Because I could. Not to be arrogant, I just know I could, if I wanted to. I almost want to stick around just to show people. But I also just want to leave, because of the damage it is doing to my self confidence. Really, I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I was much more confident when I came into the program than I am now. And I've done fine, especially considering how lacking I was in prepatory coursework, I've done fantastic. So I don't know why I feel of average intelligence now.
My teacher told me to make sure and tell the philosophy of science people that this is not a 'Plan B' type thing, something I am doing because physics didn't work out. And I know he's right, because everyone assumes that philosophy is a fallback. It just makes me mad because I never thought that I had to tell people that I am doing this because I want to. Part of me says, 'Shouldn't my grades, my courseload, and awards, my obvious interest in philosophy, all of this, speak for itself?' But apparently that's not good enough, I need strait A's AND a y-chromosome to be really impressive, to inspire confidence. Poor ME!! Poor, poor, me!!
Okay, I'm done complaining about that. Hey, it's much better now than it was fifty years ago. MY COMPUTER IS ALIVE!! And I am typing on my brand-new keyboard, which was the problem. So nothing can bother me now, not all the misogynists in the world! And WENDY is coming to town, and Bethany too, and Jared and Adam and Nana, EVERYONE except Mark. My whole family.

A POEM

Yes, I am just getting my master's.
And I will just punch you in the face with my
huge muscles, because I DEFY gender stereotypes
and little boys who think that they are
smarter than me. Because I am

the smartest ever, and my computer works,
because I only spilled a little bit of water
on it, not a lot, because I am skilled
like that.

A POEM (VICARIOUS: MARY)

Yes, I have the best job ever, because
I looked for it for months and when you said
'You can't do it' or 'Work at Starbucks' I said
'NO DAMN YOU' and now I have the best job

ever. And I will do the same thing
with the best boyfriend ever because I am
like a tiger, and I crouch in silence
until my moment comes and then I
pounce.

A POEM (VICARIOUS: LIZ)

Yes, I hate my job and you can't make me
like it, because my cup is empty, which means
that it is not half full. But I will go
on and do great things because I have dug in the dirt

of life. You, however, have lived in your doll's
house with your doll's furniture and are much to be
pitied because you will die without living. I stand
triumphant on the mountain of life, even in my sadness,
because I am a raging (female) stallion (okay, doesn't exist,
WHATEVER) and the world with all its wild terrain belongs to
me.

Okay, long post! I think you are DONE!

Crazy

2006-08-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

Read about it here.

Pure philosophical knowledge

2006-08-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting in a coffee shop (it's nice) and studying mathematics. Does anyone else feel like I've disappeared? My roommate talked to me for more than 5 minutes last night, I think it's the first time in a week (more than that, if my parents don't count, but they do, so nevermind) that I've spoken to someone in person for more than like two minutes. Most of my interactions are like, 'I'll have that muffin and a latte.' And they should say, 'Are you sure you want to spend your daily budget for food on a muffin and a latte?' But they don't. So now I am HUNGRY.

And I was reading Kant. Who is brilliant. But I've decided that academics are not everything. It sounds like a stupid thing to decide, but I've needed to decide it, I think, for quite a while. I feel like nearly all of my attention is focused on this upcoming test, and where I will go next, what I will study next. And it's all just ambition and snobbiness. And I like studying, but I've let it take over. Unfortunately, I can't do anything else right now. And I like it, I don't want to complain, I just wish I had other things here. And I am afraid that I will have to move away if I want to go the philosophy of science program. And that would be worse than this, because at least I can look forward to Sasha coming back, but there I wouldn't be able to look forward to anything, except more school. Maybe I'm just depressed because I'm listening to Ani. 'The sky is gray . . . the sand is gray . . . the ocean is gray . . . why me? why this? why this way?' It is pretty pathetic.

Have I told you, though, how excited I am for these programs, even if they entail my lonliness and eternal sadness? I think I'm just so tired of physics that anything sounds like a paradise. But really, I am so excited, to be around people who are interested in the same things as I am . Not to get a look when I mention philosophy, like, 'Philosophy? Isn't that, like, what people who can't do science do?' NO! It's what INTERESTING people do! That's what I feel like saying. Even though it's not always true. Actually, I think philosophers are just as snobbish concerning their own discipline as scientists. Maybe. Actually, I don't know.

So I've run out of things to say because I've become dull. That's what happens to people in isolation. Or they become really crazy-thoughtful. Like Dostoevsky. Maybe I'll become like Dostoevsky. That would be sweet. Sweet ass. Would you rather be interesting or good? Would you rather have people say of you, 'Yeah, she's so interesting, I love talking to her, she's like a MYSTERY, a seething pool of intelligence, but I'm a bit afraid of her, she can be really mean," or "She's so nice, and she really cares about people, and does things to help people. A bit dull, though." I think that I would, unfortunately, prefer to be the first. But I think I know being the second is better.

ouchy

2006-07-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

came back from the beach house yesterday with a lovely sunburn... and by lovely i mean moderately painful. not the worst for sure. but it was WORTH IT.

by the way, liz, congratulations on conquering your irrational fear of lunar shark attacks whilst unabashadly modeling the latest fashionable butt-sag. we'll have to do that again soon.

Jump around. Jump up, Jump up, and get down

2006-07-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

You know how if you look in the right places on bubbs you'll find things that are pretty bizarre? Well I found a doozy today. It is called World Jump Day. It is an attempt to push the earth into a new orbit by getting millions of people to simultaneously jump. Check out this link.

Lisa got Married!

2006-07-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

Why you should never get too close to Liz

2006-07-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

Look out, she bites!

2006-07-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

so where the hell have i been? sorry for ditching this blog... my internet access at home is unreliable at best, and my mom's computer is so bogged down with spyware that it's hardly worth it to spend any more time than is absolutely necessary online. sigh.

so about new york. i went, i gave "teaching" a try, and knew from the moment i got off the plane that it was definitely NOT the right move. i mean, the kids were cute, fun, and certainly a challenge, but my heart was nowhere near in it enough to warrant moving across the country. i knew i would be beyond miserably lonely there, and i had a good opportunity here, so i chose to stay here.

i have come to realize that i think i have this weird issue with God where i automatically assume that the uncomfortable decision is always "the one" that i'm supposed to choose. i think i've so continually been told to "get out of my comfort zone" (ugh how i hate christianese) that i have come to assume that allowing myself to make comfortable decisions in life is somehow sinful. now, i fully understand that learning to cope with discomfort causes some pretty serious growth, and i'm not condoning living a life of complete self-centered wussiness. but i just don't believe that we have to live our lives from one great challenge to the next in order to be fully serving God. at this point in life, i've got a pretty good idea of what my gifts are, and given that they are my gifts, i.e. they come naturally, it is comfortable for me to use them. anyway, this is probably a simple concept to everyone else, but i think my inability to realize it has caused some kind of self-paralysis over the last few years. i'm too scared to choose to be miserable, and too dissatisfied with my church-defined "unholiness" to choose to do what comes naturally. if that makes sense at all.

so anyway, i've been working as a sales rep for my parents since april, and i love it. i get to work with actual people, i know what i'm talking about, i get lots of freedom to plan my days how i want, i get a free car, 90% of my gas is paid for, and i generally feel like i've accomplished something at the end of the day. most importantly, i am content with where i'm at in life, which is something that i haven't felt for like the past five years. and now that you guys have all been posting pictures of your new cars, i'm feeling left out because i haven't taken any of mine. so i should so we can all revel in our materialistic glory (kidding).

i'm leaving on sunday to be a counselor up at hume lake. i've been wanting to do this since i got out of high school, but this is the first year i haven't had to take summer school and/or work some crappy non-vacation-time hourly job. hooray for me! prayer is appreciated, though, since i have no idea what kinds of issues my kids are going to have.

despite my lack of presence around here, i really do miss you guys! can somebody (or all of you) post some kind of generic life update since i kind of only have a not-very-detailed pseudo-idea of what you're all up to?

Hello

2006-07-03T17:51:00.000-07:00

WANTED: roommate

2006-06-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

Mine is missing. Have you seen her? Reward if found!

This reminded me of Naomi

2006-06-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

Since Naomi is a minimalist, notorious for giving her things away, and Liz has gone on several systematic purging sprees in the past month, I thought I'd post this... It is an organization kinda like e-bay or craig's list, except if is all free. People post things they wish to give away. The old "one person's junk is another person's treasure" proverb. There are trading networks all over the world and in various cities here in the US. Check it out at freecycle.org

It's the end of the world

2006-06-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

So my brain is fried and I can't do homework anymore. This is the difference between humanities and science, after learning a lot of humanities I feel energetic and stimulated; afer learning a lot of science I want to lay on the floor and moan, or watch mystery science theatre 3000. Notice there is no 'history theatre 3000' where you watch people make fun of historical films for hours. That's because historians never get this brain-dead, where everything stupid is funny, just because it's not a gamma matrix or a commutator. A commutator is the only thing that is not funny right now.

I miss you guys. I have to go now. Peace.

What is going on.

2006-05-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow because my kidney hurts.

recusant

2006-05-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

i am sick of hearing only what's going on with mary. i am boycotting the nation--no posts, no comments, nothing--until someone other than mary starts posting. wth? what's going on with you, rebekah? you went to new york and quit talking to us. are you locked in a dungeon somewhere, hands tied, mouth stuffed, unable to move? naomi? are you still alive? are you with rebekah??
i would like you to recognize that if i quit posting then it will only be mary left, just mary. she can hardly defend our strongholds herself. and then you all will be responsible for the downfall of the nation. would you like that blood on your heads? there is no need for patriotism when there is nothing left to be patriotic about. i hope that makes you feel sad.

the last days

2006-05-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

today was my final day of work. no more work. i am officially unemployed, AGAIN. i'm trying to look at the bright side. i'll miss those kids; i didn't want to leave.
my aunt told me after school today that one of my favorite children (who of course is a problem child--how else do they become my favorite if they're not a problem child?) said very matter-of-factly a few days ago, "you know, there's something that's been bothering me lately. i hear voices that tell me to do bad things, and i look around, but no one's there." his mom's schizo, and his brother shows signs of it too. doesn't have a dad. doesn't have enough food. he's a kid i just want to take under my wings and give love to until he's grown so that he won't have such a hard life; and we all know i'm not all that nurturing. but, i guess this is a good thing, social services is getting involved now and hopefully something good will come of it. that is the story of most of these kids' lives, which is sad whether they're my favorites or not. and i am so sad to leave them.
but i guess it's those things which make me want my doctorate so that i can help children like him. i love that kid, i hope someone raises him up in love like that so he'll know how special and valuable he is. i guess it's always hard to leave children who need stability in their lives because their parents are at war, or in jail, or just not around--physically or emotionally; and to whom you provide stability. i love those kids. i'm going to be back someday.

Guess what?

2006-05-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

I have a hot lunch date for today. Can you gess whose eyes I will be contently gazing into across the table?

Fix me!

2006-05-22T00:39:00.000-07:00

Liz, I am going to need some serious re-training. I don't know if it is because I've been living at home, that I'm unmotivated, that I''m easily distracted by time consuming tasks, or if I'm just out of mental shape.... but I have done zero reading all weekend. I have not done any reading for class since I waited to pick Steele up from school on thursday. Can you help me break this habit? It is driving me crazy! They have assertiveness training, relaxation training, and public speaking classes. Do they have motivation lessons? Time management classes? Sometimes I wish life was like the Matrix and we could just download all the info we needed into our brains. Wouldn't that be nice?
I'm listening to Outkast right now... "I'm sorry Miss Jackson... I am for reeeeeal" Man, we are gonna bump it when we live together Liz!

by the way, it is currently raining in southern california

2006-05-17T18:08:00.000-07:00

spring is my favorite season. i wish i could describe its fullness and beauty to you, but it is hardly comprehensible to me. these--some of the most beautiful things in life--i fear, are those things we cannot always share with one another...the way the air fills your lungs, the way the wheat and flowers begin to sag because they are so full--just as those who are full of years begin to stoop.
living in L.A. is difficult, i saw someone has written. i am glad i am not the only one who thinks so, because i consider it to be so. one would not think this, never having lived there, or even having grown up there. it has all the world can offer--in just one city! so much to do, so much to have, so much opportunity! but it is so much about politics, images, and pretty things. where are the beautiful things about life in L.A.? being surrounded by easy things, pretty things, makes it difficult to recognize the value in difficult things, those that take effort, those that do not constantly fly by our fingertips. i recognized this when i came back home; and i fear losing this understanding again as i leave. it was a difficult transition coming back here, and i think my loss of knowing that is why.
spring really is incredibly beautiful. but, as i suppose we know, "april is the cruellest month" as the ground churns up things that have had the luxury of slumber all through winter. the winter in its stillness really is quite useful, and in many ways, necessary. los angeles could use some winter. today, today, i do not want to go back.

POSTpost posty Post

2006-05-16T12:56:00.000-07:00

I think I have a migrane like Liz. I have a throbbing pain behind my eye and in the left side of my brain behind my face. I was feeling dizzy, over stimulated by light, and a little nousious. So i took two advil and laid down for 45 minutes. I took a cat nap but I don't think it helpes. The throbbing is a little less intense now but is still there. I think I'm going to drink some water. I think I read some where that migranes may be relates to dehydration. i hope it helps because i have a lot of reading i need to do and i have to go to biola and go get Steele from school. So much for a productive day!

i am so pissed

2006-05-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

about the new dent in my car and the fact that it was created by someone who was trying to break into it.

Should I be offended?

2006-05-12T13:04:00.000-07:00

As a new car owner, I get lots of mail from the dealer and various places asking me to take surveys. Today I got one in the mail from the manufacturer wanting me to rate various aspects of the vehicle's functioning. But also included was a card with a quarter glued to it next to a caption saying, "a small token of our appreciation". What a joke! I laughed out loud. How funny right? But then I almost felt like they were trying to buy my opinion, as if giving me 25 cents would entice me to do something that I probably would have done for free just because I'm bored. I mean, what is the world coming to? Liz, I hope wherever you bought your car from sends you coins in the mail. Then you can save up for the laundry machines. Ha!

Purging

2006-05-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

Here's a topic for us... (and a new thread. 23 comments means we need a post)
Liz, I know you are on a purge kick as you sell and use up everything you don't wish to bring with you to CA. I too am in a bit of a purging mood. I've been going through boxes in my closet and tossing things I thought I might one day miss. I may still miss them one day, but as of right now I don't really care. I've been eyeing my book shelf and have been trying to determine what I should get rid of, can pack away, and what I want to have accessible in the apartment. You never know when an old text book can fulfill a reference quota! It tears me up to get rid of books since I one day want a library in my home, but I also think that it's dumb to keep things that you don't use. There are, however, a few books I kept because I thought they made me smarter or more well rounded. But the truth is that I will never open them again because I hated reading them in the first place. So, I'll post a list of them and you can tell me if you want them or if I should sell them. Here goes....
Blessed are the cynical by Ellingsen (from theology, morality, and culture)
Questions that matter by Miller (from intro to philosophy)
Engaging God's World by Plantinga
Christians in the cross fire by McMinn & Foster
Don't check your brains at the door by Josh Mcdowell & Bob Hosteler
Making sense of it all by Morris (from into to philosophy)
Will the real Jesus please stand up by Copan (from Johnanine lit)
Moral freedom by Alan Wolfe (from theology, morality, and culture)
The Dead by James Joyce (from lit & film)
Dubliners By Joyce (from film & lit)
How to read the bible for all it's worth by Fee & Stuart (from spiritual formation)
Selected stories by Dubus (from film & lit)
Reaching out by Nouwen
can you drink the cup by Nouwen
Wuthering heights
the man who would be king by Kipling (from film & lit)
The search for significance
the four witnesses by Griffith & Jones
love's executioner by Irvin Yalom (existential case studies)
how can it be alright when everything is all wrong? by Smedes
The bible code

hey Liz, you know how there are books at the gypsy den. Do you think some of them are donated? Maybe I could plant some of the more interesting ones there. What do you think?

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2006-05-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I'm awake before noon! I think I'm going to go set up my hammock and read in the back yard while I work on my tan.

the fated day has come and gone.

2006-05-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

Tyrannotaurus Rex's last day has come. i was sad to get rid of him, actually. the people at the new place laughed at me for it. let's take a moment of silence to remember him.....

now, take a look at the new thorn in my bank account's flesh:

Jobs NOT to take

2006-05-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

msn has a list of the 20 worst paying jobs in America. Read the article.

Gross-ness

2006-05-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

My exam is tomorrow. I had to drink 6-8 glasses of water today and have been limited to a clear liquid diet. This sucks. I also just drank a sodium solution that I'm already starting to feel the effects of. I will probably spend the rest of my evening intermittently visiting my throne. Not fun, but tomorrow will be even worse once the "exam" begins. Whoever said "you should have that checked out" should die a fiery death.

2006-05-02T16:10:00.000-07:00

let's have a party. RIGHT NOW. who's up for it? i want one.
i am so excited to have fun again. i'm so tired of not being funny. and hanging around old people who have been around children so long they forget how to socially interact with adults. unless of course, they have heinous souls inside and they hate children and only work at elementary schools to unleash their beastly anger upon these poor children because they've saved it up from their school days and revert back to their elementary days whenever they see children, but have become the bullies because they have POWER now. the majority of women i work with are going through menopause. they talk about it at lunch everyday. i think I'M starting to go through menopause. i'm excited to have friends again. friends that are fun. i'm so bored. seriously. bored.
i don't laugh a lot anymore, so i don't like to talk.

we found a kingdom but didn't know what to do with it.

2006-05-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

does anyone else ever feel like their roots go too deep?

there is a girl who lives in france. i am jealous of her, truly. i belong there, in crowded simplicity. with yellow doors and white outlines. armoirs and trellises. words like marshmallows or thin chocolate squares in your mouth. i want to go. go go go, somewhere, everywhere, there is so much to see, but i have known so little of it. perhaps i have known better things. different things, nonetheless. some days i wonder if i should join the army just to travel, and be a psychologist. ha! me in the military? imagine. i think it would crush my spirit, all that organization, uniformity, indoctrination. i hate it. i use that center word as it was meant to be used: with fervor. hate. i think i mean it.
there are things i hate more, though, because there are things more worth hating.
i want to forsake everything to move to france, drink tea in a cafe, mill around bookshops and let delicate music float through the air with my thoughts as i dine in my quarters. i want to take pictures and enjoy beauty. i don't mind doing it without anyone. sometimes i remember how alone we are, like the snowflakes when they are falling. and then again, not alone at all.
alone or not, whatever my perception may be, days like today remind me that this place is not permanent, nor is it my home. i love my friends. love with a love that might die if it had to. we talk so much of love; it is a hailed thing, a satisfying thing, a beautiful thing. but today my heart is breaking for my friends. breaking because i love them; because their hearts will not break; because we are all the same and i know i lie in the same danger they do. i am not exempt from the ways we all may fall. i myself am no different.
days like today make me feel so alone. days like today i wish i was alone.

forgive me when i speak of myself too much but really mean to speak of other things. i will someday remedy this.

Come one, come all!

2006-04-28T23:37:00.000-07:00

This is where Liz and I will be living begining in June. Friends welcome!
Rosebeach apartments

I'm gonna be a super model!

2006-04-25T14:49:00.000-07:00

...Or at least a hair model. Rudy, one of the stylists that works at my aunt's salon (also Clay's godfather) needs a hair model to practice a new straightening technique. I think it is called Japanese straightening. It is like a perm I guess, since it permanently makes your hair stick straight. How cool! It also leaves your hair really shiny. It would normally cost hundreds of dollars, but since he's doing a demo, I get it done for free! Now I get to have long sexy straight hair like all you hotties. Only thing is that as my hair grows out the top will go back to my natural un-controllable ness. Oh well. I think it is worth it. I'm excited! Now I don't have to chop all my hair off for it to look healthy! Yeah Baby!

SHOW ME THE MONEY!

2006-04-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

My blog is worth $564.54.
How much is your blog worth?

Today in history vol. 2

2006-04-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

753 B.C. - Rome founded

1816- Charolette Bronte born

1956- Elvis' first #1 hit, heart break hotel

1989- Chinese students being protests at Tiananmen Square

2006- Mary March redeems credit card reward points to purchase itunes credits

Today in History

2006-04-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

1492: Christopher Columbus signs a contract with Spain, giving him a commission to seek a westward passage to Asia.

Good Friday

2006-04-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

The Last Hero
by G K Chesterton

The wind blew out from Bergen from the dawning to the day,
There was a wreck of trees and fall of towers a score of miles away,
And drifted like a livid leaf I go before its tide,
Spewed out of house and stable, beggared of flag and bride.
The heavens are bowed about my head, shouting like seraph wars,
With rains that might put out the sun and clean the sky of stars,
Rains like the fall of ruined seas from secret worlds above,
The roaring of the rains of God none but the lonely love.
Feast in my hall, O foemen, and eat and drink and drain,
You never loved the sun in heaven as I have loved the rain.

The chance of battle changes -- so may all battle be;
I stole my lady bride from them, they stole her back from me.
I rent her from her red-roofed hall, I rode and saw arise,
More lovely than the living flowers the hatred in her eyes.
She never loved me, never bent, never was less divine;
The sunset never loved me, the wind was never mine.
Was it all nothing that she stood imperial in duresse?
Silence itself made softer with the sweeping of her dress.
O you who drain the cup of life, O you who wear the crown,
You never loved a woman's smile as I have loved her frown.

The wind blew out from Bergen to the dawning of the day,
They ride and run with fifty spears to break and bar my way,
I shall not die alone, alone, but kin to all the powers,
As merry as the ancient sun and fighting like the flowers.
How white their steel, how bright their eyes! I love each laughing knave,
Cry high and bid him welcome to the banquet of the brave.
Yea, I will bless them as they bend and love them where they lie,
When on their skulls the sword I swing falls shattering from the sky.
The hour when death is like a light and blood is like a rose, --
You never loved your friends, my friends, as I shall love my foes.

Know you what earth shall lose to-night, what rich uncounted loans,
What heavy gold of tales untold you bury with my bones?
My loves in deep dim meadows, my ships that rode at ease,
Ruffling the purple plumage of strange and secret seas.
To see this fair earth as it is to me alone was given,
The blow that breaks my brow to-night shall break the dome of heaven.
The skies I saw, the trees I saw after no eyes shall see,
To-night I die the death of God; the stars shall die with me;
One sound shall sunder all the spears and break the trumpet's breath:
You never laughed in all your life as I shall laugh in death.

it is only a matter of time

2006-04-13T00:35:00.000-07:00

in 48 hours i will be in the presence of naomi luce!

the end is here

2006-04-11T01:15:00.000-07:00

so today my e.h. subscription expires. i've decided not to renew since i'd rather put that money towards a tank of gas on my way to see nomes. besides, i wasn't getting any action anyway. bye-bye to my 20 almost boyfriends!

Every other day, every other day of the week is fine, yeah.

2006-04-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

So, I spilled my tea all over the carpet. But no one will ever know.

I can't do my homework. What an awful feeling, incompetence. Rosemead for Liz! I am so excited for you. Mary and Molly are coming up! What time? I am so happy, I cannot tell you.

There is my life now. I have nothing to live for after April 16th. Except June 16th. That's when I'm done with first year courses. I was thinking the other day about that time in LA, Liz, with Trevor and Matt. What a great day that was. Why the hell did I go to Alaska.

Have you written anything, anybody? I miss your thoughts. Mine are empty lately. I was going to fast this week. It lasted like eight hours before I thought I was going to die soon, so I decided to give up alcohol and coffee and the like instead of food. It's Holy Week. We never really celebrated it at Biola. I'm going to the Episcopal church now, I feel so comfortable there, like minded, even though everyone is about 50. I recommend it, what a wonderful thing liturgy is. Don't leave it to the individual churches to really mess things up. I can't decide whether to take you guys to the Episcopal church when you are up here, or to take you to my parents' church. We can decide together. Alex will come to church with us. Are you excited?

People are spreading out over the world. How strange to think of hundreds of years from now, when we'll have descendents whose lives were made possible by ours, moving all over the place and having their own kids. Maybe they'll marry each other. I hope so. How nice, to think that my great-great-great grandson might marry Mary March's great-great-great-great grandaughter, meeting in Zimbabwe or England or somewhere equally arbitrary, maybe speaking different languages. Let's arrange it.

The Brown Nation

2006-04-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

APRIL 10, 2006 - OFFICIAL NATIONAL BOYCOTT. ALL IMMIGRANTS AND PEOPLE SUPPORTING ARE ASKED NOT TO SPEND A SINGLE DOLLAR. NO GAS, NO GROCERIES, NOTHING.... NO MONEY SPENT. LETS SHOW EVERYONE HOW BIG A PART OF THE ECONOMY WE ARE.

My aunt called me to say that they are calling all Mexicans to stay home from work and also to wear white in support of the protests. The idea is to show the importance of immigrants to the economy by abstaining from from work and using our money.

this is a site with info on the deomnstrations http://www.cccaction.org/cccaction/april10_index.html

here's another article: http://www.pww.org/article/articleview/8898/1/316

Unbelievable!

2006-04-08T01:14:00.000-07:00

Did you know that in addition to 5 gallon jars of mayo and tampons by the gross (ha ha I'm so funny), you can buy fertility monitors, heart defibrilators, cellos, exotic plants, and caskets all in your one-stop shopping megaplex otherwise known as COSTCO!

Which one are you?

2006-04-06T17:13:00.000-07:00

5 Women Every Guy's Gotta Date
By Jonathan Small

Type #1: The Older Woman
If you haven’t tried dating up the age chain, you don’t know what you’ve been missing. Mature women have been places, seen things, and have a sophistication and wisdom that you, my young friend, can—and should—soak up like a sponge. “Older women know who they are and what they want,” explains Dr. Gilda. Spend time with one and you’ll gain a terrific perspective on life, and realize that being a desirable woman doesn’t mean being a woman younger than you are.

Type #2: The Guy’s Girl
Every guy needs to experience that rare breed of gal who looks and talks like a woman, but loves sports, beer, and action flicks—in short, who acts like a guy. The guy’s girl is often so similar to you that you forget to censor yourself around her—a good thing, because it causes you to be more comfortable around women in general. “You’ll let your guard down more, just as you would around your guy friends,” she says. “You’ll learn that women can offer you friendship that you don’t have to reserve for your own gender.” We’re not saying you’ll be staging belching contests with all your future loves, but you will realize that there’s no reason to walk on eggshells around the person you’re dating. You can just be yourself—which is all women want anyway.

Type #3: The Free Spirit
This girl always stops to smell the roses. She’s totally creative, spiritual, spontaneous—maybe a tad ditzy—and she relies more on instinct and inspiration than reason and good planning. Why is this good for you? Because let’s face it: Guys are goal-oriented. We like game plans and spreadsheets; road maps and instruction manuals. That’s why sometimes we need a free spirit to fly into our lives and shake us free of our rigid ways. “A woman like this can tap a man’s creativity in ways no one else has,” says Dr. Gilda. “She shows him that not everything has to be perfect or planned.”

Type #4: The Brainy Chick
In the dating game, looks often trump intelligence—guys go for hotties rather than girls who can stand their ground in a heated debate. This is really a shame, since not only can the sharp ones keep your mind from turning to putty, they can help you appreciate all facets of a woman and even handle those times in your life when you don’t know it all. “Men are so often intimidated by smart women—they have vulnerable egos and never want to feel as if any woman is showing them up,” says Dr. Gilda. Sure, dating a woman who can beat you at chess or argue circles around you about Middle East politics might be a bit of a blow to your ego at first, but ultimately, you’ll grow from it.

Type #5: The Seductress
Every man fantasizes about dating a girl who has an, um, healthy libido and is extremely creative in bed. The good news: These girls actually exist—and if you date one, you’ll be a much better man for it. But it’s not for the reason you might think. Says Dr. Gilda, “Every guy needs to get this type of girl out of his system. Because he’ll quickly realize that sex alone cannot sustain a relationship.”

I'm PHAT

2006-04-01T01:27:00.000-08:00

So, according to this female black comedian on the late late show Phat means Pretty Hot and Thick. That's great isn't it? let's embrace the FATness....
Fabulous And Thick
Fluffy And Tasty
Full And Tender

the best days of your life.

2006-03-30T14:06:00.000-08:00

does anyone want to go to coachella? are you going rebekah? maybe nicolet is going, mary? i know you want to see her...
up to camping anyone, if the grounds are not completely full?

Your personalized pick-up lines

2006-03-26T23:30:00.000-08:00

I was reading this article on pick-up lines for women and found a few I could see one of us using

For Naomi: "Can you close my bracelet for me?" Or "Can you help with this crossword puzzle answer?" or any other plea for assistance. "A guy wants to feel like a provider," says Copeland. "If he can be a hero in your eyes, even for a moment, it'll make his day." And that's sure to ratchet up his interest in you, the one who made him feel that way. It's true nomes, just like your dad said, men want someone who needs their help

For Liz: "Can I sit with you so I won't get hit on?" Not only are you asking for help, you're hammering home the fact that you're desirable. Once you've enlisted his services, you've got a captive audience and can even offer him a "thank you" drink without appearing too forward. People you don't like are going to hit on you anyway Liz. You might as well take the opportunity to get someone hot to protect you from the sleaze balls.

For Molly: "Hi." It seems obvious, but if you make a habit of being friendly across the board, you'll find it easier to start a conversation with someone that really interests you. Sure, you might end up chit-chatting with some random guy you have no interest in, but meeting someone you like is equally possible. And why not hone your conversation skills in the meantime?
the truth is we all know Molly doesn't need to use pick-up lines. "You had me at hello"

"aufweiderzen" or however you spell it

2006-03-22T00:16:00.000-08:00

well i'm off to albany at 6:45 this morning... given that it's already 12:26 am, you can see i'll be getting much sleep tonight. oh well. wish me luck! details to come.

Will work for friends

2006-03-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

So, it is official. Today I received notice that Saturday will be my last day at McCabes Quality Foods. Woo-hoo! That means my spring break is wide open! However, it also means I must return to the job hunt. I know there are a couple of potential positions at Biola and one at an adoption agency that sounds cool. I'm also looking into listings on appleone.com. If any of you have the hook up for a sweet job that will pay for my car and my rent then give me a holla. Until then, pray that my procrastinational tendencies don't interfere with my need to re-vamp my resume.

snow day came with news

2006-03-20T10:59:00.000-08:00

i know i said i wouldn't post, but i'm so excited i have to tell everyone this.
i know you sweet, naive californians have heard rumors about faraway lands that get so much snow that they have to close schools and the little children get to stay home and play for one more day of the weekend. they are not myths, they are true; and i get to stay home from work today to sew and read and write while the beautiful snow drifts around outside. so i am drinking tea and doing very many wonderful things while the white world outside lies quietly and snugly, reminding me what a relaxing thing it is to be nestled inside. enjoy your warm sunny weather today as you go to work and school, and remember me as i'm getting paid to stay home and enrich myself.

and i know you're eager to know, mary; i just got a letter in the mail and DU accepted me. i have to call them and tell them by april 1st. i don't know how that's fair. so i guess we'll know what i'll do in the next couple of weeks, eh?

something i am not

2006-03-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

so, i know that lent has already begun, but i'm protestant, so i can do whatever i want, and i'm going to start my lent now. my heart is ready for lent now; this is why i am protestant because i believe in the condition of the heart above the value of empty actions. i have decided that for lent i really am going to give up the internet with the exception of: bubbs, posting INTEResting things on my myspace page (since i don't think i've posted anything interesting anywhere yet, and i use the nation as an excuse to waste my time plus myspace is private and we all know that i don't tell people i don't know things that i consider important or even interesting, really, since i consider those things a core part of who i am and consider those in the outside circles dangerous and not understanding), and looking at new music for maximum of one hour a day or less probably. i think i would die without that. and maybe i can post something on the nation in the event of some sort of near-death experiences, with the inclusion of mental breakdowns. also, i am giving up all non-tea drinks at the coffee shop, which i have already done although i try to experiment with decaf sometimes, but it's only making me fatter. in addition to this, no tv. of course, i don't watch tv anyway, but it's a safety net so that i have to find something more constructive to do when i feel like vegging out; and no bad badbad movies like...well, there are so many. no more watching any of those unless it's a charity watch to spend time with my mom or friends or something. and no more skipping my workouts once my calf is able to be used again.

this is all a very beautiful thing because i feel like i'm forcing myself back to myself. now i will have more time to read, write, paint, draw, sew, think, take pictures, whatever that i haven't done much of lately because i feel like a "brain in a box," to use naomi's words. i feel like none of what i do matters because no one is around to talk to about any of it or to listen to. (i have found colorado to be a place of little self-expression, but i'm rarely part of the mold anyway, so i don't care.) but, while that is all a very important part of our growth, if i am alone for the rest of my life then i will need to know how to find things that challenge and enliven me, and now is the perfect time to force myself to do this.
in one month i will decide my future. ha. as if my future will contain no decisions of its own.
i am sad if i miss you. and i do miss you. but be glad, friends, that you are all beautiful and unique enough to be missed.

You have to see this movie!

2006-03-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

This was such an awesome movie. I went to see it last night with Emily. Go see it.
http://vforvendetta.warnerbros.com/index.html