we found a kingdom but didn't know what to do with it.

does anyone else ever feel like their roots go too deep?

there is a girl who lives in france. i am jealous of her, truly. i belong there, in crowded simplicity. with yellow doors and white outlines. armoirs and trellises. words like marshmallows or thin chocolate squares in your mouth. i want to go. go go go, somewhere, everywhere, there is so much to see, but i have known so little of it. perhaps i have known better things. different things, nonetheless. some days i wonder if i should join the army just to travel, and be a psychologist. ha! me in the military? imagine. i think it would crush my spirit, all that organization, uniformity, indoctrination. i hate it. i use that center word as it was meant to be used: with fervor. hate. i think i mean it.
there are things i hate more, though, because there are things more worth hating.
i want to forsake everything to move to france, drink tea in a cafe, mill around bookshops and let delicate music float through the air with my thoughts as i dine in my quarters. i want to take pictures and enjoy beauty. i don't mind doing it without anyone. sometimes i remember how alone we are, like the snowflakes when they are falling. and then again, not alone at all.
alone or not, whatever my perception may be, days like today remind me that this place is not permanent, nor is it my home. i love my friends. love with a love that might die if it had to. we talk so much of love; it is a hailed thing, a satisfying thing, a beautiful thing. but today my heart is breaking for my friends. breaking because i love them; because their hearts will not break; because we are all the same and i know i lie in the same danger they do. i am not exempt from the ways we all may fall. i myself am no different.
days like today make me feel so alone. days like today i wish i was alone.

forgive me when i speak of myself too much but really mean to speak of other things. i will someday remedy this.