the business of church.

i went to "work" at church for the first time today. it was interesting. suddenly i feel as if everything that was ever sacred to me has been defiled today. i'm such an idealist that i would like to believe that churches have not become businesses, but they have, and it's run by the head pastor. how interesting. some random men, employed by the county, are also pulling up the sidewalk in front of my house tomorrow, taking out that massive crack that has been there all my life. the crack that i've tripped over countless times, that i purposely rode my bike over, that made me wonder if we ever got earthquakes here, that i would sit on top of when the gutters were flooded with rain and send popsicle sticks down the current as if they were boats, and that i looked at in wonder about ants, grass, and the world in my early years. that is something i do miss: that ceaseless wonder of the world that i simply cannot seem to recapture. that was what i liked about a boy once, all of his wonder at the world; he was wonder-ful, if you will. but what's the use talking about boys i like? they don't like me back. and so now i am back to how everything precious to me has been wrenched from me. but at least i voted today, for the first time, voted for the future of my state. i'm going to vote forever now, because i think it's responsible for myself and for the generations that come after me. they will never know i thought of them, but i have. perhaps they will all find something sacred in life, in this world, and they will all fall in love, believe in God, and live happy lives as far as it is possible in the beautiful world i've created for them.
but who wants to know the absolute worst thing i did today? in a moment of feeling charitable i commissioned myself to go to a high school conference as a leader where they're going to go around the big city and share their faith door-to-door. i didn't know this until after i said i would go, and after that wanted to rescind my offer. but i had already confirmed my ticket. not that i don't believe in spreading the good news, but simply that i find it distasteful when people do that to me, and do not prefer to be such a vexation to others. i find it better to do as an intimate thing.
i have an interview on friday. everyone PRAY. i desperately need a job. i am wasting away. and tolstoy draaaaaaaaags oooooooooooon. whenever i read him i feel as if i am caught in some sort of bog and it is a great effort to extract myself. auh. he is not so hopeful. i don't think he ever got himself out.
i like your thoughts, molly. it is a pleasant one, clinging to one another as this painful place washes past us, kindof like the rain that rushed through gutters when i was child. but now they're taking away my sidewalk. life is hard.