these days i prefer silence, it is tomorrow i cannot forget

i went christmas shopping today; my bank account has $8 in it, and my credit card is charged up. as i am leaving i get a call from my boss who says it is impossible to keep me on payroll beginning january 1. who could've had better timing? merry christmas. so i'm looking at all this shit strewn about my room reminiscing on today as such a wasted day.

everything is meaningless. everything is meaningless. stand in awe of God. everything is meaningless.

i run around in these circles, tripping, running. find myself here again and again. i just want to be honest. honest with a boy: we fit together. honest with the church: i am disappointed in you. honest with my friends: i am sorry. honest with God: i don't, but want to, understand you.

in the temple of the LORD--much laden with gold--was art. the temple itself was a work of art. massive wooden cheribum in gold inhabited the inner sanctuary. on pillars, carved into walls were trees and flowers and pomegranates. the sea was held up by twelve bulls facing each direction. even the robes were adorned. cheribum, flowers, animals. here, man and the living God met. those with breath amidst representations of the world.

everything is meaningless. stand in awe of God. everything is meaningless.

i like it best the way naomi said it: "we cannot count them anymore, they are woven into our lives," our mistakes. i will never escape my suffocating nature, i must learn to breathe through it. i allow these things to become my parasites. love is nice, but others' burdens are easier to carry for those who do not share them. perhaps that is why i prefer my silence.

i had grown too accustomed to reminders of beautiful things at my every turn. but now that temple is gone, and here i must search a little harder.

stand in awe of God. everything is meaningless.