something i am not

so, i know that lent has already begun, but i'm protestant, so i can do whatever i want, and i'm going to start my lent now. my heart is ready for lent now; this is why i am protestant because i believe in the condition of the heart above the value of empty actions. i have decided that for lent i really am going to give up the internet with the exception of: bubbs, posting INTEResting things on my myspace page (since i don't think i've posted anything interesting anywhere yet, and i use the nation as an excuse to waste my time plus myspace is private and we all know that i don't tell people i don't know things that i consider important or even interesting, really, since i consider those things a core part of who i am and consider those in the outside circles dangerous and not understanding), and looking at new music for maximum of one hour a day or less probably. i think i would die without that. and maybe i can post something on the nation in the event of some sort of near-death experiences, with the inclusion of mental breakdowns. also, i am giving up all non-tea drinks at the coffee shop, which i have already done although i try to experiment with decaf sometimes, but it's only making me fatter. in addition to this, no tv. of course, i don't watch tv anyway, but it's a safety net so that i have to find something more constructive to do when i feel like vegging out; and no bad badbad movies like...well, there are so many. no more watching any of those unless it's a charity watch to spend time with my mom or friends or something. and no more skipping my workouts once my calf is able to be used again.

this is all a very beautiful thing because i feel like i'm forcing myself back to myself. now i will have more time to read, write, paint, draw, sew, think, take pictures, whatever that i haven't done much of lately because i feel like a "brain in a box," to use naomi's words. i feel like none of what i do matters because no one is around to talk to about any of it or to listen to. (i have found colorado to be a place of little self-expression, but i'm rarely part of the mold anyway, so i don't care.) but, while that is all a very important part of our growth, if i am alone for the rest of my life then i will need to know how to find things that challenge and enliven me, and now is the perfect time to force myself to do this.
in one month i will decide my future. ha. as if my future will contain no decisions of its own.
i am sad if i miss you. and i do miss you. but be glad, friends, that you are all beautiful and unique enough to be missed.