Pure philosophical knowledge

So I am sitting in a coffee shop (it's nice) and studying mathematics. Does anyone else feel like I've disappeared? My roommate talked to me for more than 5 minutes last night, I think it's the first time in a week (more than that, if my parents don't count, but they do, so nevermind) that I've spoken to someone in person for more than like two minutes. Most of my interactions are like, 'I'll have that muffin and a latte.' And they should say, 'Are you sure you want to spend your daily budget for food on a muffin and a latte?' But they don't. So now I am HUNGRY.

And I was reading Kant. Who is brilliant. But I've decided that academics are not everything. It sounds like a stupid thing to decide, but I've needed to decide it, I think, for quite a while. I feel like nearly all of my attention is focused on this upcoming test, and where I will go next, what I will study next. And it's all just ambition and snobbiness. And I like studying, but I've let it take over. Unfortunately, I can't do anything else right now. And I like it, I don't want to complain, I just wish I had other things here. And I am afraid that I will have to move away if I want to go the philosophy of science program. And that would be worse than this, because at least I can look forward to Sasha coming back, but there I wouldn't be able to look forward to anything, except more school. Maybe I'm just depressed because I'm listening to Ani. 'The sky is gray . . . the sand is gray . . . the ocean is gray . . . why me? why this? why this way?' It is pretty pathetic.

Have I told you, though, how excited I am for these programs, even if they entail my lonliness and eternal sadness? I think I'm just so tired of physics that anything sounds like a paradise. But really, I am so excited, to be around people who are interested in the same things as I am . Not to get a look when I mention philosophy, like, 'Philosophy? Isn't that, like, what people who can't do science do?' NO! It's what INTERESTING people do! That's what I feel like saying. Even though it's not always true. Actually, I think philosophers are just as snobbish concerning their own discipline as scientists. Maybe. Actually, I don't know.

So I've run out of things to say because I've become dull. That's what happens to people in isolation. Or they become really crazy-thoughtful. Like Dostoevsky. Maybe I'll become like Dostoevsky. That would be sweet. Sweet ass. Would you rather be interesting or good? Would you rather have people say of you, 'Yeah, she's so interesting, I love talking to her, she's like a MYSTERY, a seething pool of intelligence, but I'm a bit afraid of her, she can be really mean," or "She's so nice, and she really cares about people, and does things to help people. A bit dull, though." I think that I would, unfortunately, prefer to be the first. But I think I know being the second is better.