hope not being hope until all ground for hope has vanished

Wendy was here for a couple of days, and I helped Daniel move in last Friday, went mountain biking on Saturday with my sisters and their husbands, all good things. I am in some sense refreshed, I have been able to think more clearly the past week, surrounded by people I love and who are understanding, than I have in quite a while. I am confused much of the time, I feel like I am going crazy, I am on edge, I do not know what to live for. But others are very gracious to me, I notice it, even though I feel like I cannot change the way I am; I cannot mold myself so that I do not need this grace, I need it in everything.
I do not think we were meant to be separated from the people we get to know when we leave home. I was so selfish and independent coming into college, trusting no one, and came to learn that this is the meaningful thing, other people. And going out alone again I feel I am turning myself off, and I know I must have some change of attitude, but I do not know what this is. And this is my consolation, "Have a job. Get by. Buy some furniture, perhaps some clothes." I can see why people console themselves with things, something I could never see before. It is self-congratulatory, 'I have done something with myself, look at my wardrobe, even if nobody loves me, people must at least recognize my good style.' I do not know why I think my life will be so empty. But I think this is why people go back-to-school shopping, to fill the void that is to come with clothes at least. Is this something that should be resisted, shave my head, minimalist lifestyle, denying the urges, living out of milk crates? But even reading is sometimes an attempt to grow something of substance in myself. And what, so what if one is grasping in all wrong places for that thing, and the other has no pretense, and has given in to the idea that it is all empty? Obviously they are both wrong, I myself oscillate between these two wrong things.
"Do something with yourself," says Dr. Reynolds, Zosima, "love actively." Perhaps this is the in-between angst, perhaps moving on I will find something valuable to do. I have not had any cool dreams that I remember, I am excited to visit Colorado, I leave tomorrow.
I agree about Tolstoy, he is the agitated perfectionist, he missed the world for obsession with his own ideals. Remember the question, do you like the world in your head better than the world in which you are living? Tolstoy would say yes, the goal is to say no, that this world is so much more than anything ideal could be.
I wonder if I am socially adept. Do you remember the test that tests emotional intellegence? I am making up a word, social intelligence, I think we all are very socially intelligent, but lack the skills. I don't want to take any more online quizzes.