the question of the hour
am i leaving home or not?
i said so, but then my mom cried and my heart turned back. what a terrible thing parenting is; i have the best mother ever, who sacrifices everything for me and has devoted herself to me for years and this is what i give her in return: a good-bye. but who knows if that's what i really want? i may not leave.
i remember leaving california, knowing i needed to, but apprehensive about doing it without plans because i knew i would settle in at home and forget any reason to leave again for something else not quite as comfortable or comforting or peaceful as home. and i have forgotten most any reason why i would want to go back except for the changing dynamics of the people i call my friends and love so much as such. i feel like leaving takes a special strength of mine: one which requires me to detach myself from feeling and simply doing it as something to do. but that's like when, in war and peace, the general thinks one must detach himself from humanity to wage war; so if one feels one must separate oneself from the tenderness one has towards others and the feelings that are guidance (right or wrong or does it matter?) in the situation, is it the best thing to do? i suppose it depends on what sort of effect the feelings have on guidance and the principle of the matters beside the feelings. but what spurs those feelings on and how does one deduce the principle of the matter apart from the feelings directed toward it, and why would we have those feelings if they were not wrapped up in the principles that were connected to the matter?
anyway, the point of what i'm really saying is that for every pro there is a con and likewise. i feel like my decision is a teeter-totter with equal weight on each side which, though continually shifting, never decisively touches down on one side, especially since i have job offers here that i could take and would not only have family but also leisure time to develop my arts and no worries with simple, stress-free jobs, whereas elsewhere, i have to freak out about finding a job and may not have the extra time for other things and certainly not the money for leisure or comfort that i do here, even with low pay. i feel like wherever i am someone will be happy that i am there, and wherever i am not someone will be sad. which is better to sacrifice for the other? and how does one know where their best work may be done? how does one know where they may be the best used, where they may do the most good? we do not and we cannot purport to know the future or any single part of its outcome.
funny, i saw my married friend at her wedding reception last night; she is now married to a guy i do not know at all. but the funny part about it is that last time i saw her, we were both in the mall looking at wedding rings. am i joking? i wish.
i also wish i felt like my prayers were having an effect on the matter, but i do not. i wish someone would call me in the morning and give me the answer. my grandma's also inching closer and closer to death. just like us all, i suppose. i sure do hope naomi finds her deep soul, or heart...both in fact, in this wintery flower-field of life. oh what a romantic journey it is!
people keep telling me i need to do what's good for me to do. only, there are two problems with this:...well, three: i do not even know what would be best for me; i do not see how we are disconnected from each other and can make decisions like this--i see too much how people have an effect on other's lives and how we are so interconnected, all of us, that what i do will not only have an effect on the people around me but will in some ways guide my future; and thirdly, i have a severe aversion to that mindset. people keep telling me that i am young and should have fun and do what i want to do, except that i do not know what i want to do: do i want to leave home and go see my friends sometimes in a probably very sucky and struggling job, or do i want to devote myself to my family and church in the next year with a stress-free, unstimulating job? does either have any more eternal value than another? or am i simply overestimating my significance and attaching myself to these things with a hope to find something meaningful to live for? i don't know. i clearly don't know.
i wish someone had some advice that itself had substance but was also not tainted with their own interests. i know that we all want what is advantageous for us and so i understand advice being driven by other than perfect motives, but i wish now they didn't have to be. i wish someone knew something about what i should do because my desires are equal and neither has any sort of importance that the other does not have the inverse of.
but there is one thing i do know in all of this: being in limbo sucks.
i said so, but then my mom cried and my heart turned back. what a terrible thing parenting is; i have the best mother ever, who sacrifices everything for me and has devoted herself to me for years and this is what i give her in return: a good-bye. but who knows if that's what i really want? i may not leave.
i remember leaving california, knowing i needed to, but apprehensive about doing it without plans because i knew i would settle in at home and forget any reason to leave again for something else not quite as comfortable or comforting or peaceful as home. and i have forgotten most any reason why i would want to go back except for the changing dynamics of the people i call my friends and love so much as such. i feel like leaving takes a special strength of mine: one which requires me to detach myself from feeling and simply doing it as something to do. but that's like when, in war and peace, the general thinks one must detach himself from humanity to wage war; so if one feels one must separate oneself from the tenderness one has towards others and the feelings that are guidance (right or wrong or does it matter?) in the situation, is it the best thing to do? i suppose it depends on what sort of effect the feelings have on guidance and the principle of the matters beside the feelings. but what spurs those feelings on and how does one deduce the principle of the matter apart from the feelings directed toward it, and why would we have those feelings if they were not wrapped up in the principles that were connected to the matter?
anyway, the point of what i'm really saying is that for every pro there is a con and likewise. i feel like my decision is a teeter-totter with equal weight on each side which, though continually shifting, never decisively touches down on one side, especially since i have job offers here that i could take and would not only have family but also leisure time to develop my arts and no worries with simple, stress-free jobs, whereas elsewhere, i have to freak out about finding a job and may not have the extra time for other things and certainly not the money for leisure or comfort that i do here, even with low pay. i feel like wherever i am someone will be happy that i am there, and wherever i am not someone will be sad. which is better to sacrifice for the other? and how does one know where their best work may be done? how does one know where they may be the best used, where they may do the most good? we do not and we cannot purport to know the future or any single part of its outcome.
funny, i saw my married friend at her wedding reception last night; she is now married to a guy i do not know at all. but the funny part about it is that last time i saw her, we were both in the mall looking at wedding rings. am i joking? i wish.
i also wish i felt like my prayers were having an effect on the matter, but i do not. i wish someone would call me in the morning and give me the answer. my grandma's also inching closer and closer to death. just like us all, i suppose. i sure do hope naomi finds her deep soul, or heart...both in fact, in this wintery flower-field of life. oh what a romantic journey it is!
people keep telling me i need to do what's good for me to do. only, there are two problems with this:...well, three: i do not even know what would be best for me; i do not see how we are disconnected from each other and can make decisions like this--i see too much how people have an effect on other's lives and how we are so interconnected, all of us, that what i do will not only have an effect on the people around me but will in some ways guide my future; and thirdly, i have a severe aversion to that mindset. people keep telling me that i am young and should have fun and do what i want to do, except that i do not know what i want to do: do i want to leave home and go see my friends sometimes in a probably very sucky and struggling job, or do i want to devote myself to my family and church in the next year with a stress-free, unstimulating job? does either have any more eternal value than another? or am i simply overestimating my significance and attaching myself to these things with a hope to find something meaningful to live for? i don't know. i clearly don't know.
i wish someone had some advice that itself had substance but was also not tainted with their own interests. i know that we all want what is advantageous for us and so i understand advice being driven by other than perfect motives, but i wish now they didn't have to be. i wish someone knew something about what i should do because my desires are equal and neither has any sort of importance that the other does not have the inverse of.
but there is one thing i do know in all of this: being in limbo sucks.
posted by Anonyme | 11:55 PM
4 Comments:
good job , keep doing
i think that idiot just wants you to read his blog. i fell for it. apparently he has more than surface level thoughts but he is dying for someone else to read his soul. gosh, do we know him? i would feel like a jerk if i said these things and we did!
I wish I could say something that would make your decision easier, but mainly all I can do is empathize. Unfortunatley God has not given me a special revelation to direct your path. I have only my biased hopes and muddled wishes for your happiness.
I know that the Springs are your home. They are your childhood. They are your past. But if I am not mistaken, you already know in your heart that they will not be your future. You already know that you will one day leave. When and where is still a mystery. What of the present time? I guess the question is: IS the Future Now?
I know for me, there are some things I look forward to terribly, but when I look at my life I know I am not there yet. As much as I'd like to be in a differnt place I know the time is not right. I guess I believe that when you are ready you will know. ALl pragmatic and otherwise emotion based issues aside, do you feel like you are ready for that next step: leaving the nest? I know that is not the only relevant question, but if you have to say 'no' to it, then rushing into something may not be a good idea.
The wonderful thing about family is that they are your past, present, and future all in one. If you came to california and things went terribly there is no doubt in my mind that your family would welcome you back home. they are your saftey net and would be there for you even if it is hard for you to go back . On the other hand, your friends too are going to be permanent fixtures in your future. Some times I feel like not only are we missing eachother, but we are also missing out on eachother's lives. That kind of anxiety has more than once made me reconsider my decision about where to go to school and contemplate pulling up stakes and relocating somewhere to be near you guys. But the thing I have to keep in mind is that althought it feels like we're missing out on eachother, none of us is going anywhere. 3 months, 6 months, 2 years, whatever. I may not like the distance, but I know that the separtion is only temporary and that we will still be there for eachother when the timing is right.
but now we're back to the "how do i know if this is right" question. let me ask you this: How do YOU know things? I'm and ESFJ so i guess that means I just sense things. Some times I can't outline the logical thought process that brought me to a conclusion, but i just know and feel resolute, like i'm at peace with a decision. when you make decisions, how do you usually tell which way to go? you can't let others decide for you. we both know what the convenient option would be. i know your heart is in both places to some extent, but you've got to be able to live with the decision at the end of the day. if you can't convince yourself to be wholly persuaded one way or the other perhaps it is not the time for a big move like this. maybe it's like salvation, where no decision is actually a decision in favor of the other side. i think a move like this has to be whole hearted or else you'll regret it. transitioning to a new place and becoming self-sufficient will be stressful enough. you don't need your conscience underminding your choice and poisoning your spirit. if your heart is not in it, then you won't have the strength to push through the challenge. I think i can speak for all of your beloved CA residents in saying that we would like nothing more than to have you near, but this decision has to be your personal resolve- not indulging a whim to be close to loved ones at the expense of your energy to thrive.
I am your friend forever whether you come or not: it is true. I feel like staying home too, it seriously enters my mind: I could teach classes at the church, earn a teaching credential on the side, never say goodbye to anyone. But this future that is coming will become past, too, and will also be dear to me, like the past I already have. So it matters what you do, yes, but all shall be well.
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