this life is metaphysical.

the phone just rang, and it's late, so i answered it in my annoyance. "debbie?" she asked. no. "is your father asleep?" yes, would you like me to wake him? "yes, please."
i had a dream two nights ago about my grandmother... she was dying but doing much better than before, and my family was taking care of her, my sister and i specifically. she had been through much pain and difficulty, and as in real life, was a hard woman, but she was so happy when j and i were taking care of her. if ever we talked to her she was delighted, happier than she had ever been in her life, and i remember taking her hand as my dream ended and hearing someone say, "she was never happier than when with you, it was almost like ecstasy." i awoke praying for my grandmother, that the Lord would take her and release her from all of her pain; and He just did.
so tonight i hear my father's voice trailing down the hall with the light unwelcome creeping in beneath my door, "mom died," "mom just passed away...i don't know, but i'll keep you posted."
i don't understand this gap between ourselves and the rest of what is real. it feels as if it has grown with me, this gap; yet, i lament every one of my days lost, but in some differently unclassifiable way, i suppose, the door is closing on all of us. so what is the wind in the door?
i have felt it, and so i may pray for death of those bearing the weight of unbearable pain, still with this, i am not a child anymore.