the beauty of the internet is that the whole world is at your fingertips. and when you write something it is so much easier to believe that someone is there who wants to hear you. someone wants to let you be you. someone. anyone.
anyone.
and its space is endless. there is always space for you. it is silent enough to give you a chance to speak. but that is its same problem. that it is so silent that it cannot respond, and the silence echoes through the corridors of experience until you remember, once again, that you are alone. but perhaps someone will read your message in a bottle in this isolated sea of islands.
that is all. there is so much and i am so small and so few people seem to see me that sometimes i wonder if i am real. so few people seem to care that i wonder if i am mistaken about love.
i am the seat of so many expectations and so few genuine affections. i wish sometimes that others weren't so small that they could love me too. i suppose, though, that that is part of our struggle, loving one another when we feel so unaccepted? so unacceptable? loving others when they are unacceptable to you? but that is not what it's supposed to be. i just wish someone would know me for who i am, love me for who i am, accept me for who i am and let me be. without expectations, without pressures, without needing something from me that i was never supposed to fulfill; in fact, i wish others would learn to take care of themselves in the ways they should so that those responsibilities wouldn't be mine. i wish we could all be whole so that we had enough to give to others, and that we could love others as they are. i'm tired of my existence being wrong to others. i just wish they would give it the fuck up. if i am not what you want me to be, then let me be. and you can be. and we will be separate. because we are not all the same.
and i am glad. its a shame the others are not.

Sad.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/11/books/11cnd-vonnegut.html?_r=1&emc=na&oref=slogin

The taste of Victory

So, I decided I needed to go shopping the other day because I had 2 dates lined up for this weekend and I wanted to look hot.... which, by the way, is hard to do when all your clothes don't lay quite right on you because you are between sizes. As you know I've been avoiding buying new clothes because I am losing weight and didn't want to buy an awesome outfit only for it to be too big in a few months. So I caved: I had a date and you know looking hot now is more important than losing an outfit in a few months. But here begins my tale of victory: in the unlikely location of the fitting room.

I was looking for some capri pants because they can be dressed up or casual and look good with heels or flats. When I started my diet, my size 18 pants were beginning to feel snug. Gradually I got back into my size 16's and they too are getting a little baggy in places. So I thought, wow that would be nice to be back in a pair of 14's. It's not my end goal, but this is one stop on the way. But do you know what happened in the fitting room yesterday? (here comes the climax) I got into a size 12. A twelve! The last time I wore a size 12, I was in the 6th grade! Granted, it was a snug fit, and only one pair of pants I tried on fit in a 12... (the others I would have had to buy a 14) but that's not the point. I bought the 12's. This is a huge milestone for me. These pants will be a little tight on me, but they will also serve as motivation. And when the day comes that these pants are too big... well, that day I'll be venturing into uncharted territory. I have never worn any ladies or juniors clothing smaller that an 11/12... before that it was all in the upper end of girls plus size. Can you imagine? Yesterday was a day to remember. I looked damn hot for my date and I'm proud of it.

I'd like to send a special thanks to Liz and the Laneys who made this fitting room miracle happen... I finally used the Old Navy gift card I got for Christmas :)

I LOVE SODA

I removed you, Liz, and reinvited you. Maybe that will help. If not, we can start a new blog, an even more exclusive one, call it the island. wearetheisland.blogspot.com.
I'm thinking that even though George W Bush should never have got us involved in Iraq, that perhaps it would be irresposible to leave now, and even stronger, it is the moral responsibility of the US to stay there until we can leave it at least in the same state as we found it. For every US soldier that dies, 200 innocent Iraqi citizens die, most of them victims of sectarian violence. It would be easy to leave, but perhaps we should stay, for decades if necessary--what do you guys think?
Also, did you know that students get TimesSelect for free, if you belong to a university?? Sweet ass.

Testing ... Check ... check

It seems there have been some technical difficulties. Liz, did you get the problem fixed? Are you able to post now? I checked on the settings permissions tab and you are listed as an administrator. Did you upgrade to the new blogger beta version? I had to. That might help. Good luck