i broke my piggy bank and put the coins on your tongue

why am i posting?

oh yeah, so today, i was helping a customer (we're in bonus and it's like wall street) and i'm rushing to help her and move on to the next and what do i do? SMASH MY FINGER IN THE DRAWER FRICK.
"oh, what did you do, cut your finger when you opened the drawer?" she asks after i return from my doubling-over moaning and sucking my finger manouver.
"no, i smashed it," i reply through clenched teeth that hold the screams at bay, holding up my already bruised finger for her to see.
so what? a smashed finger, no big deal you winer, is what you're thinking, isn't it? yeah, well, i thought that too for a minute after i smashed it...until my body came out of shock.
suddenly i feel my heart pounding, my finger pounding, all of the blood in my body rushing from my brain and away from my face. my vision is blacking out and i can't see anything, i can't catch my balance, and i'm starting to sweat. ...'it will pass in a second, it's just from throwing my head around after i smashed my finger,' i think and i wait.....now i can't hear anything but the whirring of the machine and the bills scratching against each other and all i want to do is lay down on the green (it's really pink) carpet. finally after whispering goodbye to the woman she leaves and more customers begin smothering the counter but i don't care because i can't do anything but sit down. finally, like five minutes later it passes and i don't know what happened. all i know is that i smashed my finger and nearly fainted. cool.

Asteroids, tsunami's and Naomi

I had a dream last night that I was apartment shopping. I was looking at this crazy tripped out house in south county. It was way out of my price range but it was full of cool gadgets and had a real modern stream lined look. It was like extreme home make over theme park. Anyway after looking at the apartment/condo/palace, my family and I were getting out of our car in our driveway when my cell phone rang. It was Naomi. We started chatting and since it was night and I was still outside I began looking at the stars. They looked really pretty and then all of a sudden I saw a shooting star. Then another and another. Soon there were bunches of them. Still on the phone, I asked if Naomi could see them too. She said she could, which was really cool since she was in Napa and I was in Westminster. It reminded me of that song in An American Tale where the two mice are thinking of each other under the same big sky. But then one of the shooting stars kept getting bigger and bigger. Then we realized it was and asteroid. Even though I'm 15-20 minutes inland I could see it impact the ocean. We could tell it was serious so we hung up, but when I went to tell my family they didn't think it was a big deal. I wanted to grab some emergency supplies and get to higher ground but my family just kept standing in the front yard discussing the shooting stars. I remember being filled with anxiety waiting to see if something was going to happen. I figured we still had a chance to leave since we were further from the coast, but my family didn't care. Then I woke up. All I wanted to do when I woke up was call Naomi and see if she was okay.

So, Are you?

exciting news from my day

I was dancing around my bedroom to the Proclaimers 'I'm gonna be' (I would walk 500 miles . . . ) and I ripped cover off my library book when I stepped on it. Then my mom came down and said I woke her up. My attempt at fun was unsuccessful.
What else happened today? I think the muscles in my arm are hot. I also have nothing better to do than stare at my own arms. Hmmmmmm. I feel ultimately lazy, I should be calling friends to hang out and reading like mad and writing philosophy papers in my spare time, refinishing the ugly table, but I just don't feel like it. I am reading a lot, it is the only thing I do. That is all, all that is in my head. The rest is blank, like the walls of my house (you guys know).

the question of the hour

am i leaving home or not?
i said so, but then my mom cried and my heart turned back. what a terrible thing parenting is; i have the best mother ever, who sacrifices everything for me and has devoted herself to me for years and this is what i give her in return: a good-bye. but who knows if that's what i really want? i may not leave.
i remember leaving california, knowing i needed to, but apprehensive about doing it without plans because i knew i would settle in at home and forget any reason to leave again for something else not quite as comfortable or comforting or peaceful as home. and i have forgotten most any reason why i would want to go back except for the changing dynamics of the people i call my friends and love so much as such. i feel like leaving takes a special strength of mine: one which requires me to detach myself from feeling and simply doing it as something to do. but that's like when, in war and peace, the general thinks one must detach himself from humanity to wage war; so if one feels one must separate oneself from the tenderness one has towards others and the feelings that are guidance (right or wrong or does it matter?) in the situation, is it the best thing to do? i suppose it depends on what sort of effect the feelings have on guidance and the principle of the matters beside the feelings. but what spurs those feelings on and how does one deduce the principle of the matter apart from the feelings directed toward it, and why would we have those feelings if they were not wrapped up in the principles that were connected to the matter?
anyway, the point of what i'm really saying is that for every pro there is a con and likewise. i feel like my decision is a teeter-totter with equal weight on each side which, though continually shifting, never decisively touches down on one side, especially since i have job offers here that i could take and would not only have family but also leisure time to develop my arts and no worries with simple, stress-free jobs, whereas elsewhere, i have to freak out about finding a job and may not have the extra time for other things and certainly not the money for leisure or comfort that i do here, even with low pay. i feel like wherever i am someone will be happy that i am there, and wherever i am not someone will be sad. which is better to sacrifice for the other? and how does one know where their best work may be done? how does one know where they may be the best used, where they may do the most good? we do not and we cannot purport to know the future or any single part of its outcome.
funny, i saw my married friend at her wedding reception last night; she is now married to a guy i do not know at all. but the funny part about it is that last time i saw her, we were both in the mall looking at wedding rings. am i joking? i wish.
i also wish i felt like my prayers were having an effect on the matter, but i do not. i wish someone would call me in the morning and give me the answer. my grandma's also inching closer and closer to death. just like us all, i suppose. i sure do hope naomi finds her deep soul, or heart...both in fact, in this wintery flower-field of life. oh what a romantic journey it is!
people keep telling me i need to do what's good for me to do. only, there are two problems with this:...well, three: i do not even know what would be best for me; i do not see how we are disconnected from each other and can make decisions like this--i see too much how people have an effect on other's lives and how we are so interconnected, all of us, that what i do will not only have an effect on the people around me but will in some ways guide my future; and thirdly, i have a severe aversion to that mindset. people keep telling me that i am young and should have fun and do what i want to do, except that i do not know what i want to do: do i want to leave home and go see my friends sometimes in a probably very sucky and struggling job, or do i want to devote myself to my family and church in the next year with a stress-free, unstimulating job? does either have any more eternal value than another? or am i simply overestimating my significance and attaching myself to these things with a hope to find something meaningful to live for? i don't know. i clearly don't know.
i wish someone had some advice that itself had substance but was also not tainted with their own interests. i know that we all want what is advantageous for us and so i understand advice being driven by other than perfect motives, but i wish now they didn't have to be. i wish someone knew something about what i should do because my desires are equal and neither has any sort of importance that the other does not have the inverse of.
but there is one thing i do know in all of this: being in limbo sucks.

let's label ourselves!

Have you taken the world's smallest political quiz?

The political description that
fits you best is...

.

CENTRIST

CENTRISTS espouse a "middle ground" regarding government

control of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on

the issue, they sometimes favor government intervention

and sometimes support individual freedom of choice.

Centrists pride themselves on keeping an open mind,

tend to oppose "political extremes," and emphasize what

they describe as "practical" solutions to problems.

The RED DOT on the Chart shows where you fit on the political map.

Silence would be better

I deleted my other blog. Why? Because I post mainly for the two of you anyway, and it is a waste of effort to have two, one for you guys and the other for you guys.
I saw a hot boy today and thought of Liz, because I think Liz will date someone hot someday, because she is artistic. He had good style, there are not many boys in Napa with good style. People in Napa wear khakis and tee shirts, not at all tight like they should be. But this boy was skinny and had on tight clothes and awesome sunglasses. And he was with a girl, which mande me think, shit, I should have a hot boyfriend! But then I remembered how shallow that was, and that every boy (what, like both?) that I've liked has not been so ridiculously good-looking, and I would probably not be so lucky, and it would be nice enough to fall in love, actually so nice that I don't even care what he looks like, or if he has good style. But Liz, you might have a hot boyfriend some day, lucky you. That boy at the Denver airport wins hands-down most attractive boy ever. You should have seen him close-up. His eyes were amazing blue looking out from under longish hair, smoking a clove, again, his clothes were fitted as they should be.
After I saw the boy, I went to the coffee shop to read Polanyi. So I am geeky, and I felt like the geeky boys who think that they should be with supermodel girls, drool hanging out and important things in life fading behind computers and dissatisfaction with what could be good for them.
And then I started thinking, am I such a man? I have no feminine qualities, besides that I like boys, I'm like the analytic monster that will rip out your heart with my teeth, I'm like those 80s business suits with shoulderpads, learning how to survive in the man's world, the best way I know how: as a man. But then I thought, I cry when I get mad, and that's a start.
I had a dream about Luke, he jumped from rooftop to rooftop, I followed shyly, he laughed at those who castigated him; I watched in admiration. I think this shows my other feminine qualities, specifically, I want to join in his adventure, I want to cower in the shadow of his strength, and most of all, I want to feel beautiful. Thank you John Eldridge, I think I've found my deep heart (not soul, Liz, dammit! Not soul!). I should call Luke and marry him. He is an artist you know. I'm going to bed, I should have done this half and hour ago.

die die die compac scum

my laptop is freaking out. It keeps freezing just before all the icons or the start menu appears. I restarted it like 4 times last night before i gave up. I tried again this morning and after literally 3 hours of program errors, task manager commands, program not responding messages and failed attempts to cancel all processes and appllications i gave up and turned on old faithful... the pc i got as a feshman in high school that still runs on dail-up and windows 95. I can't see 80% of the graphics this blog normally has. but i can check my e-mail and chat on aim. at least this hunk of junk is functional. too bad i won't be able to take it to class with me when i start in two weeks.

i freaking hate titles

i gave a boy my number today that i didn't want to give it to. sometimes i can weasle my way out of it, but he was nice and we were talking and somehow it just came out, "yeah, i can do that." and it sounded so convincing, like i was pleased, when really i was hating myself for not thinking of a lie fast enough to avoid it. so now some boy who's friends with some guy from hollywood that ended up here has my number and plans on calling me. i should've known it was coming, he started out with a, "you know,.....(compliment)." BLAH.
he was in a band. WAS, which means his music sucked and now he's wandering around aimlessly picking up salesgirls in malls. neat, now i'm some sort of starving-artist prey. but he does get kudos for telling me that i look like i should be some sort of indie rockstar. so i guess that's why i warmed up to him real quick. but he did seem a little nervous when he was talking to me, which was cute, though did not make him any cuter, but did help his cause.
i hope he never calls.

Who sucked out the feeling?

For some reason I don't feel like participating in anything. I don't even want to contribute my comments to our blogs. I have 3 e-mails on my bubbs account from people I miss that I just don't have the energy to respond to. I don't want to get dressed or take a shower, much less upload 50 million digital pics onto my computer to post. I quit my job. My last day is sept 2nd but I don't want to go in again at all. I'm tired but not for sleep. I'm thirsty and hungry but I don't know what for. I just want to sit and passively partake of the world, reading your words, thinking your thoughts, and have my needs met by someone else. El fin.

smoke stacks

i'm sorry to follow naomi's good post with a dream, but here it is. i had more interesting dreams last night.
i dreamt that we all went to britain where all the piping is outside of the walls instead of inside to visit jon--i think it was jon, or at least someone i had a fondness for as i do jon--and we went to his apartment complex, and a bunch of his friends and girlfriends came in speaking in british accents and i was so excited and slammed my hand down on the table and said, "are we in britain because i needed to come here!" so, anyway, i had gone out somewhere and was coming back, but i went to the wrong apartment and found a place with two young girls--dark skinned, eyed, and haired--whose mom was a drug addict and couldn't buy them food. so i went into their home and brought them food, cookies too, and started reading them the Bible and teaching them about God. I kept going there day in and day out when their mother wasn't there, i think she was some sort of performer, dancer or something, but i had to go when she wasn't there because they knew she'd be pissed if she saw me there. one day she came back and i had to hide behind the door so she wouldn't catch me. we had to turn the toilet into part of a bed to have a place for everyone to sleep, and the mother found out that i had been giving her girls cookies and was pissed and said that she never gave them sugar, and i realized that she was doing the best that she could with her girls, though she never found out i was reading them the Bible.
transition to me meeting a guy in the apartment complex, who i decided to marry because he somehow got me away from my ex who was abusive or something, and had been arrested for being violent. but even though he was arrested, he still hung out with us with his guard, who was the man who arrested him. to marry the new guy i had to do some sort of traditional dance for the whole community, and so i was rehearsing some dance that i had no idea how to do, so he and his family had to teach me. i also had to find something to wear because he was wearing a kilt because he was whatever nationality that wears kilts (mind you, i met him in the british apartment complex). during the rehearsal my ex and his guard went into a booth that glowed with a blue-purple light behind cream blinds and were doing a radio show, and at the end my ex goes, "don't worry, folks, it won't last long," and i was so mad at him but wondered if he was right. anyway, long story short, my ex was pissed and planned to kill me or my fiancee the next day, when we had to do the dance, and so he was in his house with three of his friends trying to decide which gun to take, and somehow i was there too and i helped him pick out the pink and green pistol because it matched his pale pink cowboy boots, and thougt it was necessary to match. but it was okay that i helped him pick out the gun because i knew that he wouldn't succeed in hurting either of us the next day anyway. the end.

hope not being hope until all ground for hope has vanished

Wendy was here for a couple of days, and I helped Daniel move in last Friday, went mountain biking on Saturday with my sisters and their husbands, all good things. I am in some sense refreshed, I have been able to think more clearly the past week, surrounded by people I love and who are understanding, than I have in quite a while. I am confused much of the time, I feel like I am going crazy, I am on edge, I do not know what to live for. But others are very gracious to me, I notice it, even though I feel like I cannot change the way I am; I cannot mold myself so that I do not need this grace, I need it in everything.
I do not think we were meant to be separated from the people we get to know when we leave home. I was so selfish and independent coming into college, trusting no one, and came to learn that this is the meaningful thing, other people. And going out alone again I feel I am turning myself off, and I know I must have some change of attitude, but I do not know what this is. And this is my consolation, "Have a job. Get by. Buy some furniture, perhaps some clothes." I can see why people console themselves with things, something I could never see before. It is self-congratulatory, 'I have done something with myself, look at my wardrobe, even if nobody loves me, people must at least recognize my good style.' I do not know why I think my life will be so empty. But I think this is why people go back-to-school shopping, to fill the void that is to come with clothes at least. Is this something that should be resisted, shave my head, minimalist lifestyle, denying the urges, living out of milk crates? But even reading is sometimes an attempt to grow something of substance in myself. And what, so what if one is grasping in all wrong places for that thing, and the other has no pretense, and has given in to the idea that it is all empty? Obviously they are both wrong, I myself oscillate between these two wrong things.
"Do something with yourself," says Dr. Reynolds, Zosima, "love actively." Perhaps this is the in-between angst, perhaps moving on I will find something valuable to do. I have not had any cool dreams that I remember, I am excited to visit Colorado, I leave tomorrow.
I agree about Tolstoy, he is the agitated perfectionist, he missed the world for obsession with his own ideals. Remember the question, do you like the world in your head better than the world in which you are living? Tolstoy would say yes, the goal is to say no, that this world is so much more than anything ideal could be.
I wonder if I am socially adept. Do you remember the test that tests emotional intellegence? I am making up a word, social intelligence, I think we all are very socially intelligent, but lack the skills. I don't want to take any more online quizzes.

Hasta Leugo!

I'm off for Mexico! Pray for safe travel, stomach-friendly food, minimal family conflicts, cheap souvenirs and great pictures! I'll be sure to post a bunch when I return. I hope Naomi starts posting soon or else Liz is really going to start hating the internet! Adios amigas!

naomi's pissing me off

where are you?
what the hell? are we not intellectual enough for you anymore?

war and peace

i don't really like reading tolstoy. he seems fatalistic or deterministic in a sense: our actions have nothing to do with our own decisions and we are formed by our past experiences which determine what we think, and how we make our decisions, which aren't really our decisions because we are God's puppets.
his writing style, i feel, is desultory, which i understand somewhat because of the original printing and the need for that type of organization, but i feel like he simply describes things as they are and how one action causes a following one. but yet, there is nothing redeeming about life because it simply is and we have no power to change it or find joy in it. it seems like even people's happiness, like natasha's, is childish and unfounded; celebrations are distractions, even in times of peace, though not for enjoying others and life, only to keep up face and create something cohesive in society.
despite these things, i think he's really good at describing people's personal experiences, and the fleeting feelings they have in defining moments in their lives.
but even still, these are mostly shallow and temporary. i don't feel like there's much substance to the life he describes here. i'm excited to finish the book, it is certainly not my favorite, and i'm sure some may think that sacreligious, but he is very...calvinistic.

for the socially impaired

you know how liz talks about having social anxiety? well here's a social skills test. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=8604125065437811066
despite my shyness, i'm apparently socially adept.

i'm registered

i registered for my classes today. woo-who. bummer is that i have no financial aid ot speak of, yet a grand total of 4150 in charges. maybe i can sell my organs on the black market. or maybe my eggs. will someone look into that for me? i have to go to work now.

since we're on the subject of dreams

i had another interesting dream last night. it started out with me walking around the neighborhood finding animal's heads (one goat, and then two others i don't remember) in people's lawns because they were like sacrificing the animals to God in their homes and using them for food or something that wasn't weird but certainly unsettling, and in the third lawn there was still the animal's innards and as i was quickly running away from the neighborhood, i told someone to throw the guts away, but then naomi responded that mary used it for her cranberry sauce at thanksgiving meals.
then my family and i were getting ready to go on a trip, but we had to make a stop to get me money, so we stopped at a school with a money machine where my cousin was playing cards with three of her friends. the guy there she called her "obstituary," which i don't even think is a word. she started crying when she found out we were going on a trip without her. i put $100 in the money machine and got $1100 back. it was a good deal.
so suddenly naomi and all our friends were at school and the doctor had given me drugs to take to treat a malignant tumor i had in my neck, but the drugs were slowly killing me. the drugs made my thoughts all jumbled until i got so tired that i laid down wherever i was, most memorably the rose of sharon prayer chapel lawn, and became paralyzed and fell into a deep sleep. this happened every time i took the pills, and each time i took the pills they took a little more life out of me, and would do so until one day i would just take them and become paralyzed, fall asleep, and never wake up. i was beginning to be bothered by my impending death because of something that was supposed to be helping me--and it was, the tumor was getting smaller--and decided there was too much to live for, so i quit taking the medicine.
so we, the three of us and two of naomi's male friends, decided to go on a trip. we went to alaska, which was beautiful and we later found out was actually russia, and slept in the snowy mountains in our sleeping bags. naomi and mary went to the grocery store through a portal behind us which lead to a dark brown room with an elevator and connected to an airport, leaving me with the two guys. when naomi and mary were gone we found out that there was an airshow going on, which cost $3350 to glance at and $25000 to watch per plane. the first plane started dropping bombs all around us, and positioned itself right above us and almost dropped one on us until i moved so that they would see that we were lying there, so not to drop a bomb. then the second plane was really an ambulance that could fly and dropped manequins out the back doors that were also bombs. the man inside the ambulance almost dropped a manequin on us. the third made a laser show that rained down on us, and the fourth was a massive military carrier or something that was sectioned into four parts, kind of like a transformer toy, and kept turning into different shapes that threatened to destroy the entire continent but then didn't. all around us planes were dropping bombs and i didn't really feel comfortable sleeping in a foreign place where they were dropping bombs and we had to pay thousands of dollars to watch, but naomi's friends wanted to stay because we were getting to see a major air show for free. finally naomi and mary came back with groceries and decided that we should go, even though everyone was annoyed with me for wanting to leave and not being okay with sleeping in a bomb field. so we went back through the portal to get into the elevator, but customs caught us and detained us for watching the airshow without paying and took all of my $1100 from the money machine and emptied my bank account. the end.

Older men

While we are on the subject of older men, can I tell you about one of my co-workers? There's this man who was hired the same time as me. His name is David. He is really cool. He reminds me of the stereotypical Mexican family man: he's funny and laid back but also firm and doesn't take crap from anyone. He's a big guy, but a total teddy bear. Anyway, he works the pm shift so I usually go in and chat with him for a while before he leaves. The other day he was practically telling me his life story. He was explaining how he and his wife met when he mentioned that there was a pretty big age gap between him and his wife. I thought to myself, "Oh, it's probably about 8 or 10 years... 16 at the most". To be honest I was waiting to see if he said 16 years because that nice guy I bowled with was 16 years older. Anyway, so I ask him how many years difference there was and he tells me that she is 23! In case I didn't already make this clear by my "family man" association this guy is well into middle age. I was like, "wow that is only a year older than me!" So I ask him how old he is, and he tells me he is 45! OMG!!! He is literally old enough to be her father. That is 22 years! But you know what, he is not the type of guy who you'd think, "Eww, dirty old man". IN FACT, SHE was the one who asked him out! At first he thought she was just messing with his head so he kept saying no. I think she asked him out about 3 or 4 times before he said yes. Isn't that crazy?! This guy is totally nice and respectable, but you have to wonder what kind of issues this chick has going on. Admiring an older man is one thing... even having a crush can be understandable.... but actually dating and marrying someone that much older than you? I cannot even fathom it.

employment sucks

yes, this whole looking for a job thing sucks. i lied to my employer and told her i intended to be around for the next year so that she would give me a job, a real job that actually kindof pays. more than i'm making at least. but i don't know if i'll be around and with all of me i don't want to be around. like, i'm actually experiencing guilt. after how bad they've treated me, i feel bad for telling them that i might be around. they're lucky to have me, but still i have morals, and lying feels bad. i don't know what to do with myself in a cutthroat world, even when i'm bleeding out the neck. what do you all think, was it justified? is it ever?
but, more importantly, was the war justified? there are other important things in life to think about above and beyond my employment, and i'm particularly interested in hearing what you have to say naomi?

If I wasn't going to school...

So, I'm excited about going to grad school and all, but this working/looking for a good job while going to school stinks. Part of me wishes I didn't have anything tying me to one particular place. I think if I didn't have school, I'd apply to be a flight attendant. I like to fly and I love to travel. Working would be like an adventure. I'm good at customer service and it doesn't take a genius to serve drinks and peanuts. I wish I could fly. The next best thing to being a pilot is being a flight attendant.

i like the synergy

i went to dinner with my parents last night and it was nice because it tasted good and i didn't have to pay for it, but it wasn't quite the same without you all. i missed my friends and all the fun we used to have, so, i had a margarita; una margarita grande. i left the restaurant feeling quite happy and when i came home laid down in my bed with a warm fuzzy feeling that i haven't had in about two months. it was quite nice. now, not that i'm an advocate for drinking, and of course i wasn't drunk, but, well, you both know the temporary benefits that it can have sometimes. and my life is so boring right now i'm talking about it. this is sad. i don't really like this blog stuff, it makes me feel like i'm contributing to all the trash on the internet.
at this point you may be asking yourselves, "liz, why do you seem dangerously fond of your middle-aged, married with children, blue-eyed boss?" well, the answer to that, ladies, is simple: he does have blue eyes, when he saw me he hugged me and told me i looked beautiful and he was glad i was back. now, my boss is not hitting on me, he is simply nice and somewhat charming...a rarity around here, and at biola. oh! sadly enough. and, bonus points, he called me laney instead of liz without even knowing the inner workings of my secret mind. and once again, we mustn't forget, his eyes are very blue.

The Triumvirate of Evil

Woo-who! I'm here! Let the world domination begin!