"Are you just getting your master's?"

Of course, the answer is simply yes, but that doesn't mean I can't get annoyed at the question. It seems to me that people just assume that I have no ambition beyond master's level work, and sorry to beat a dead horse but it is true, that it is because I am a woman. I highly doubt any of the men in my program get asked this multiple times per quarter by their students. Frankly, I am a bit tired of being a 'woman in science,' having answers to questions I ask be directed to the male in the room, as if I couldn't understand the answer. And I am tired of this feeling that I must constantly prove myself, because everyone will assume I am just a bit less intelligent than the men until I demonstrate otherwise. It's like I've been relegated to mediocrity from the beginning. And I am excited to do what I am doing, I am glad to get a PhD in philosophy of science, because it is really what I want to do, and I am glad to be earning a master's in physics. I just wish I could leave without people thinking, 'Oh, she couldn't make it here.' Because I could. Not to be arrogant, I just know I could, if I wanted to. I almost want to stick around just to show people. But I also just want to leave, because of the damage it is doing to my self confidence. Really, I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I was much more confident when I came into the program than I am now. And I've done fine, especially considering how lacking I was in prepatory coursework, I've done fantastic. So I don't know why I feel of average intelligence now.
My teacher told me to make sure and tell the philosophy of science people that this is not a 'Plan B' type thing, something I am doing because physics didn't work out. And I know he's right, because everyone assumes that philosophy is a fallback. It just makes me mad because I never thought that I had to tell people that I am doing this because I want to. Part of me says, 'Shouldn't my grades, my courseload, and awards, my obvious interest in philosophy, all of this, speak for itself?' But apparently that's not good enough, I need strait A's AND a y-chromosome to be really impressive, to inspire confidence. Poor ME!! Poor, poor, me!!
Okay, I'm done complaining about that. Hey, it's much better now than it was fifty years ago. MY COMPUTER IS ALIVE!! And I am typing on my brand-new keyboard, which was the problem. So nothing can bother me now, not all the misogynists in the world! And WENDY is coming to town, and Bethany too, and Jared and Adam and Nana, EVERYONE except Mark. My whole family.

A POEM

Yes, I am just getting my master's.
And I will just punch you in the face with my
huge muscles, because I DEFY gender stereotypes
and little boys who think that they are
smarter than me. Because I am

the smartest ever, and my computer works,
because I only spilled a little bit of water
on it, not a lot, because I am skilled
like that.

A POEM (VICARIOUS: MARY)

Yes, I have the best job ever, because
I looked for it for months and when you said
'You can't do it' or 'Work at Starbucks' I said
'NO DAMN YOU' and now I have the best job

ever. And I will do the same thing
with the best boyfriend ever because I am
like a tiger, and I crouch in silence
until my moment comes and then I
pounce.

A POEM (VICARIOUS: LIZ)

Yes, I hate my job and you can't make me
like it, because my cup is empty, which means
that it is not half full. But I will go
on and do great things because I have dug in the dirt

of life. You, however, have lived in your doll's
house with your doll's furniture and are much to be
pitied because you will die without living. I stand
triumphant on the mountain of life, even in my sadness,
because I am a raging (female) stallion (okay, doesn't exist,
WHATEVER) and the world with all its wild terrain belongs to
me.

Okay, long post! I think you are DONE!

Crazy

Read about it here.

Pure philosophical knowledge

So I am sitting in a coffee shop (it's nice) and studying mathematics. Does anyone else feel like I've disappeared? My roommate talked to me for more than 5 minutes last night, I think it's the first time in a week (more than that, if my parents don't count, but they do, so nevermind) that I've spoken to someone in person for more than like two minutes. Most of my interactions are like, 'I'll have that muffin and a latte.' And they should say, 'Are you sure you want to spend your daily budget for food on a muffin and a latte?' But they don't. So now I am HUNGRY.

And I was reading Kant. Who is brilliant. But I've decided that academics are not everything. It sounds like a stupid thing to decide, but I've needed to decide it, I think, for quite a while. I feel like nearly all of my attention is focused on this upcoming test, and where I will go next, what I will study next. And it's all just ambition and snobbiness. And I like studying, but I've let it take over. Unfortunately, I can't do anything else right now. And I like it, I don't want to complain, I just wish I had other things here. And I am afraid that I will have to move away if I want to go the philosophy of science program. And that would be worse than this, because at least I can look forward to Sasha coming back, but there I wouldn't be able to look forward to anything, except more school. Maybe I'm just depressed because I'm listening to Ani. 'The sky is gray . . . the sand is gray . . . the ocean is gray . . . why me? why this? why this way?' It is pretty pathetic.

Have I told you, though, how excited I am for these programs, even if they entail my lonliness and eternal sadness? I think I'm just so tired of physics that anything sounds like a paradise. But really, I am so excited, to be around people who are interested in the same things as I am . Not to get a look when I mention philosophy, like, 'Philosophy? Isn't that, like, what people who can't do science do?' NO! It's what INTERESTING people do! That's what I feel like saying. Even though it's not always true. Actually, I think philosophers are just as snobbish concerning their own discipline as scientists. Maybe. Actually, I don't know.

So I've run out of things to say because I've become dull. That's what happens to people in isolation. Or they become really crazy-thoughtful. Like Dostoevsky. Maybe I'll become like Dostoevsky. That would be sweet. Sweet ass. Would you rather be interesting or good? Would you rather have people say of you, 'Yeah, she's so interesting, I love talking to her, she's like a MYSTERY, a seething pool of intelligence, but I'm a bit afraid of her, she can be really mean," or "She's so nice, and she really cares about people, and does things to help people. A bit dull, though." I think that I would, unfortunately, prefer to be the first. But I think I know being the second is better.