"The world's got me dizzy again. You'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin."

thank you conor.
i miss my friends. i miss naomi. not the body of naomi, i miss my friend naomi, naomi who she is, the real person of her.
the agitation that crawls beneath the surface here makes me feel as if i get no rest; not restless, just that my rest is not restful. i don't connect with anyone. i miss being comfortable, i miss feeling safe.

Today's Fortune Cookie

"The past is history,
the future is a mystery,
and this moment is a gift.
We call this gift "the present".

switch me on

i love the sunshine and good music.
effinghell, i am so excited to move back.

went to sigur ros the other night. their music...makes me want to live forever. honestly. and i think i'm in love with the boy with the voice; it's like breath, his voice is.* beautiful. the opening band was so cute, a troupe of girls in young dresses who moved like toys within the walls of the toy store they built with their music. darling, really; and at the end of it all, i felt actual sadness that it was over. they were better the first time i saw them in l.a., but this time no one tried to manipulate me by telling me they were in love with me. so that's always good. overall, a refreshing evening, if i must put a word to it.

new news, which is both good and bad mixed together: the valentine's roses were not from the ex boyfriend. good, except that i do know who they're from. is that mean? i don't know.

something else i am excited about? for naomi to drop out of davis and move back to socal to live with us too. why not, what is money anyway? not important; besides, you're going to be rich on accident, remember? (please understand, however, that these comments [i.e., "live with us," "i am excited to move back,"] are not indicative of a final decision concerning anything.) also mary, whoever i live with has to not only put up with, but also LOVE my music. there are no compromises when it comes to that. i am sorry. naomi loves my music! and she has dance parties with me. LIVE WITH ME!

so i was fine until this morning when i woke up and realized that if i go to rosemead i'm not going to finish school until i'm 28. 28! that is OLD. omg, i am never going to get married and die a bitter, lonely hag probably at the age of 30 because my loneliness drove me mad. you see, i say i'm okay with not getting married, and sometimes i am, but deep down inside my soul i think i might want a family one day. at least before i'm an old saggy woman of 36. plus, if i don't get married before that, then my husband will never remember how hot i was, because he'll never know. sad. he needs to know. by 36 i will have studied all of the life right out of me. PLUS, women who have doctorates are simply less likely to marry. i think men are intimidated by them and women who have doctorates want men who are at least as intelligent as them, and well, since men marry below them (socially), i will have to find a man who has two doctorates so that he'll want to marry me. those are rare.
oh no, i think colorado's getting to me.
but when i was in church this morning i remembered that i love school, and what could be more fun than five years of it in exchange for my youth and potential family? gosh, i don't know.

except, goodbye now; i'm not wasting my day on the computer. i'll come back later when i have nothing else to do.

*qualitative breath, not literal. i'm sorry i ever had to explain that.

This was interesting

So, as might be expected, in our cultural diversity class we were talking about discrimination and prejudice and how bias operates on a subconscious level based on internalized perceptions. Of course, that means there difficulty in telling if someone has an internal bias because 1) society tells us racism is bad 2) we don't think of ourselves as bad 3) we may be unaware of someof our biases. So, basically these guys came up with a way to measure all this bias using an implicit association test, which basically calculates how loosely/ closely linked certain concepts are in your brain. I thought it was pretty cool. there are a few tests they created and i thought you might have fun taking some of these.

Weird

So I'm in the Biola library. Strange. I'm meeting Mary in a couple minutes. I'm glad I'm here, but I'm getting nothing done. Green's function, mmmmm.

Post-( ) *Silencio*

So, I am somewhat glad that I left my things in class, like an idiot, because now I can just post here without feeling guilty for not doing one of the gazillion things I have to do before coming to southern California. You want a list? 3 homeworks, lab, grade the quiz, study for math midterm. And each of these things will take a long long time. Would next be better than this one, Mary? I think I might be doing terrible in my undergraduate (!) electrostatics class.
I want to talk to Rebekah. I wish you were in southern California this weekend. Hmmm hmm. Molly too. And Liz, your interview for Rosemead, didn't this happen already? I suppose you won't be hearing from schools for a while.
I feel like I don't make decisions, I'm just floating along in life with things happening to me. I feel like if I tried to make decisions I would be crushed by the life-force bulldozer that is leveling all signs of individuality in the world.
But Mary! I am excited for you! Sweet ass! But really, I am glad.
When is the next time you will see boy #2? So I can come all gross to meet him? I thought you said he was blonde, the description seems to have changed.
What should I do with my life? Philosophy or literature? I have to decide by this Thursday. Please vote.
Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz LizLiz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz LizLiz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz LizLiz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz LizLiz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz Liz

It's a bird! No it's a plane! No it's a PIG!

that's right my friends. pigs are flying all over westminster right now. I just got asked to be someone's valentine.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MON MARCHITA,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ha ha hookers, i was first. i must love mary the most.

I've got your touch quota right here

The benefits of bear hugs

Doctors at the University of North Carolina have found that hugging may dramatically lower blood pressure and boost blood levels of oxytocin, a relaxing hormone that plays a key role in labor, breastfeeding and orgasms.

Researchers asked couples to sit close to one another and talk for 10 minutes, then share a long hug; afterward they found positive, albeit small, changes in both blood pressure and oxytocin.

But the power of frequent daily hugging was intense: The women with the highest oxytocin levels had systolic blood pressure that was 10 mm/Hg lower than women with low oxytocin levels—an improvement similar to the effect of many leading blood pressure medications, says Kathleen Light, Ph.D., a professor of psychiatry at UNC and one of the study's authors.

"Getting more daily hugs from their husbands was related to higher oxytocin, and so the hugs were indirectly related to lower blood pressure," she says. Men didn't get the blood pressure benefit from hugging. But don't feel bad for him: He probably gets the same health gains from steady sex that you do from daily snuggling.

A 2002 study from the University of Bristol in England found that men who had sex two or more times a week cut their risk of having a fatal heart attack in half. And a recent study from the National Cancer Institute found that men who ejaculate frequently may be protecting themselves against prostate cancer.

forgive me my triviality

i know that in the big scheme of things, this really isn't a big deal, and in fact might not be considered a "problem" among most, but this is who i am. i go to starbucks to be alone and study, and what happens? this guy talks to me for an hour, which i respond to because i feel like i need a study break until it turns into an hour, then he asks me for my number. how do you say no after talking to someone for an hour? they're everywhere. why do the ones i don't want to call, call; and the ones i want to call, don't? this is annoying.
this is why i say don't talk to boys: because then they ask for your number; this is why i say don't give boys your number: because then they call and ask you out; this is why i say don't go out with boys: because then they want to marry you and eight years later call you back and tell you they still think you're meant to be together. they're like leeches. unfortunately something's wrong with me so that the ones i want to date are too much like me so that they don't call.
jon FINALLY called me back and told me he's engaged. i think i'm the only person in the entire state who's still single...that's why the boys talk to me! my solution: i just need to move.

Inquiring minds

Since I'm sure you are all just on the edge of your seat wondering how my date went, I will tell you. It went pretty well. Last night was the open house in the artist's village. We met at the gypsy den and had dinner then walked around and looked at some of the galleries. That was really fun. That was such a cool thing to do on a first date. We talked A LOT. He is a talker. Maybe that was because he was nervous. He also talked over me a little bit, but I think part of it was that I was trying to interject my comments while he paused but he wasn't done talking. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. He paid for dinner and dessert, opened doors, and complemented me. He's in a pretty stable position as a construction manager and is being groomed by the owner to take his place when he retires. He is 5'10" and I think he was surprised by how tall I seemed since I was wearing my boots. I think I was expecting him to be taller too. He's not as blonde as his pictures look, he just has light brown hair. But he has the smoothest skin I have ever seen- no joke. It is down right milky and almost looks alien because of it's unnatural smoothness. He is really fair. I can't explain why, but I have trouble looking at people who have very fair complexions. Maybe it is just too much white for me. Or maybe it is because I'm never around people like that. Maybe that is just because brown or olive tones are just more appealing to me. He asked for my e-mail and my cell. He said he will call. He wants to take me out for my birthday next week. To be honest I think I might be busy, between family stuff and another potential date. Can we debate the advisability of letting him take me out for my birthday when we've only been on one date?

please excuse this interruption of your normal broadcast

i think i'm in love with sufjan stevens.
in addition to that breaking news, mary has 17 boyfriends and went out with one last night, and boys freak me out. there are like three who i feel are moving into my territory like stalking lions, and that seriously freaks me out. so i had to get out of there. i'm moving to bermuda; come and find me there where we will all live on an island with the other social exiles where we will make our own subsociety...you guys can wait until you're married i guess, but you better do it quick--you don't want me going crazy while you're gone. mary says i need to learn to leave doors open, so be sure to bring a door, someone. and please don't text me when you're looking for me; just call, i'm over my texting limit. it happens every month. it's bad news.

More than a "den of robbers" ?

So you know how the Gypsy Den is in the Artist's village but we never really know what else there is to do? Well I found out the local sites. I found a page that gives all the galleries, resaurants, and museums in the area. We need to do some serious branching out when you come back to the OC, my friends!

I should be preparing for my lab

KILLING (time with) NAOMI

I don't believe in these things, quizzes, I vow never to take one again. But I did it, I admit it, and it was fun (BOO). They have 32 types! WOW! So would myers-briggs if they divided up into male/female. So here it is. Ha.


Dating personality test

The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.


Shit. I have to avoid artists! Shit. That's it, my life is over, over, over. Just kidding. What really kills me is that I have to avoid the self-involved ones. And pessimistic. We could be pessimistic together, sit around bemoaning the atrocities of the world, the damnation to come, the pointlessness of so many things, forever, all our lives, bonding in the abstraction of misery (not actual misery, we would be secretly joyful and in love in our melancholy, although feeling terribly guilty for it). There goes an hour of my life. You do it too!