it was cold and felt like winter

for far too long.
so i thought about it last night; thought about it the way one thinks about things that might actually happen (instead of thinking about it in some chaotic far distant "what if?" dreamland): what would i do, what would i REALLY do if i saw him again--passing in the store or with a first gut reaction when being introduced at a party?
i would be sad.
i would be very
sad.
sad because i loved him the way blushing lovers love and the way arthritic companions love, and perhaps, somehow, the way a mother loves her fumbling child; and when you honestly and unrelentingly love someone, you don't simply stop.
it's a nice cliche saying: "true love lasts forever," especially when you're in seventh grade (or at biola) and you think you're in love with that cute boy in homeroom that you've never spoken to and you think, 'OMG! that is so true! and it's so sweet and wonderful and we're going to get married and be in love FOREVER. yes!' but the truth is that i really did love him and still do and always will. but i don't feel like that makes me any less, as if "a piece of my heart is missing" like those anti-daters think; i simply think that it means that Christ is teaching me how to love. and of course i don't mean romantically, but in a way that stands up still after being spit in the face. a way that reaches beyond passion and pleasant treatment.
i loved him and in some painful way will always care deeply for him, though it will not be heeded nor painless, and will always pray the Lord to keep him. there is release in that.

so now there's a movie out named after me and even the trailers make me depressed because i want to be in love with someone hot like orlando bloom and i want someone to know how fucking AWESOME i am (as are all my friends, although molly is F-ing awesome) enough to drive himself crazy finding ways to woo me. and i want to get married before my hormonal denoument.
i have to go apply for jobs tomorrow, since i quit my other one, and i keep wondering why i am feeling so apprehensive about it, and it's because i don't really want to do it. i don't really want the jobs i'm applying for, nor do i want to settle down...i need too much change. i need to travel. i miss my friends.
i think our joy is too often robbed by being so practical. of course, practicality is a good thing, but when i am blinded by practicality that i forget to experience life, any sort of happiness i could potentially recognize is blurred and overlooked. the israelites wandered in the desert because they were too practical. i think the only way we'll ever have perspective is by looking behind us.

(maybe our futures are too bright to see. ha! that is not at all what i meant, and if you think it is, you need to reread rerereread [i like that word that way, it's like the word READ set up on tin cans one next to the other until the train of cans ends and you take a sip of each one until you finally get it; like the word folded in two and you can only see the first half, like an actual expression in letters of the action that you ought to perform...is that enough explanation?] the above paragraph until you get what i meant. it's way deeper than that.)

anyway, i need to go now. i have to write a half a page on what i think poetry is. rad.

some sort of ending.

so i deleted my blog. maybe soon i will become silent and detached from everything that ever meant anything. don't worry, you didn't read it anyway. but i saved this post because i liked it. but the rest of it is floating around somewhere in the endless abyss of trash in cyberspace. someone please say something in french.
uptight
i wanted to post on the nation but didn't because i didn't want to be the one to follow naomi's poignance with words connected like legos of insignificance. so i am here, and wanted to say that it's good to be home in this difficulty. the chaos of transition is passing, and i felt like myself for the first time in a long time today: quiet, pensive, objective but entirely connected to the web of society surrounding me as i leaned back scratching my head in the car and watched people in the gypsy den-esque parlor. it felt pleasant again, as if the soft sway of voices scattered across the room were slowly waking me to the world after a long, tumultous sleep. people feel like poetry to me again, and it's pleasant to sense that somehow, something matters.
i feel like i'm being purged of the confusion i picked up like lint in the last couple years, and things are lining up the way they should, but how i couldn't quite figure out on my own.it's nice, like the round, yellow flower that stared at me from my table today, almost ironically contrasted with the darkness of the room that tried to imitate its beauty with paisely carpets and comfortable chairs, against my disillusionment and the rain in days of late. he, of course, will not last long in the vase by himself, but that is why God makes fields of wildflowers.

Something fuhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifnny

since we are all depressed and empty, I figured this could fill us up temporarily. This was written by Dr. Reynolds on his blog Something about the logos, I think it is the most clever thing I've read in a while. Um, enjoy.



Disneyland Rides by Religious Tradition

In order to lighten the national mood, or do my part in it, I have decided to do some research on which Disneyland rides should be favored by various Christian religious groups. Following hours of field study and reading, the following list is correct to the best of my knowledge. I have given only a brief reason for each of my choices. Rest assured a book could have been written.

(In fact, some Radical Orthodox theologian is free to use this as the basis for his/her seminary dissertation "Constantine, Milbank, and Walt: A Biblical Purging of the Hegemony of the Neo-Platonic Disney Ride in the Imagination of the Late Twentieth Century Evangelical with Special References to Ordination of Womyn and the Oppression of the Animals.")

Ride for All Calvinists:
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
No matter what you do, you end up in Hell. It is reported that some elect riders end up in Club 33 at the end. The rest of us have no way to confirm this.

Presbyterian Secondary Ride:
Indiana Jones Adventure
In which you discover that no matter what you do, you look in the eyes of the idol. This leads you through hundreds of pre-programmed variations that feel free, but are not. At the end of the ride you discovery you can have wealth, worldly wisdom, or eternal life. You cannot have more than one. The ride decides. There are frequent splits in the ride track.

Lutheran Ride:
Splash Mountain
A ride in which you begin wondering what can be so frightening in this particular ride, slowly see your own character leading straight to a fearful doom, but then discover that a terrifying plunge leads straight to your Laughing Place. All of this happens without your ever moving as you are carried along by the Water of the ride.

Anglican Ride:
Alice in Wonderland:
It is an English ride after all and that is always cool. Follow a questionable character down a theological hole on an aging ride system and end in post-modern confusion. Did I mention it is English?

Episcopal Church USA Secondary Ride:
Mad Tea Party:
It will be fun to spin in circles until everyone gets sick!

Continuing Anglican Secondary Ride:
Frontierland Shootin' Exhibition
Having already paid once for your ticket, you get to pay again in order to take shots at pesky varmints that never seem to go away.

General Dispensationalist Ride:
Mickey's House and Meet Mickey
In which you travel by foot through a series of discrete rooms each of which builds up to and naturally leads to the next. At times one wonders if the ride is not a bit unsophisticated for modern tastes, but there are so many delightful details that one soon forgets this fear. In the End, it culminates when some guests are taken away to Meet Mickey. As a result throughout the ride one is aware and eagerly anticipates a great future work for the original Disney character.

Evangelical Feminist Ride:
Peter Pan's Flight
A popular ride with long lines in which all the men are children or child-like, this ride begins in a full nursery, heads whimsically over the edge into Darkness following a charming if irrational leader, thus leaving the nursery empty.

Baptist Ride:
Pinocchio's Daring Journey
In which we discover that one can only become a Real Boy by giving up smoking, pool playing, and drinking.

Southern Baptist Secondary Ride:
Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln
Where it is proved once and for all that nobody understands the Southern point of view, but where our Heritage is appreciated, the sound is very good, and the message even better.

Catholic Ride:
It's a Small World
People from all nations gather together. The guest travels in one very stable boat, carried along by very pure Water, but the music in the ride is very annoying.

Vatican II Catholic Secondary Ride:
All of Disney's California Adventure
See it is like this: the old Park is just not cool anymore. It is hard to get teen agers to go. If we build a new park and leave out all the old characters, then we will be cool. Kids will love us. The fact that no one comes at the moment to the new park is not the fault of the new park but of the old park. Maybe we should close the old park?

Latin Mass Secondary Ride:
Davey Crockett's Explorer Canoes
This ride is not fun. In fact, it is hard work. Who expects a ride to be fun? Hard work is no more than park goers have always done. It was good enough for Walt. They don't build rides like this anymore.

Orthodox Ride:
Jungle Cruise:
An original Disney ride often overlooked due to its flashier neighbors, it contains the best script in the park which can cause you to further appreciate classic animatronics and overlook residually offensive items because of the ride's age.

Russian Orthodox Secondary Ride:
Pirates of the Caribbean
The most creative ride in the park and it was built by Walt! It is therefore old, beautiful, but full of disreputable characters you should not like but often do.

Greek Orthodox Secondary Ride:
Storybook Land Canal Boats
This is a place that contains the best of all the other lands where one admires the age of the ride, the perfect preservation of the parts, its beauty, but secretly wonders if it is not just a bit slow.

Antiochian Orthodox Secondary Ride:
Gadget's Go Coaster
The best roller coaster in the park for its size, but that means it is pretty small.

posted by The Shark | 11:43 AM

Title: Title: Title: Title:

So, today was my first day of class. There is this amazingly good-looking first year. This is odd, there aren't too many physics people with tight pants and long hair tossed over hazel eyes, but there he was. But then I remembered that he probably wasn't a Christian, so I couldn't strait-up date him. Later I decided he definitely was not Christian, since he curses and only edgy Christians from Christian colleges curse (myself included). Christians from UC San Diego don't contaminate their witness. So I think I will evangelism-date him, where I date with the purpose of converting.
Do you all feel like I only talk about stupid things? I'm tired of myself. I miss the boy like crazy (is that okay to say here? who reads this anyway?). If he were here I would throw popcorn at him, and we would wrestle and read poetry.
So I'm tired of people accusing the Bush administration and rescuers of racism. Not like I think they aren't racist, I am sure they are. I'm sure we all are. I am. What the hell will some huge investigation prove? I just don't think this is the right way to go about changing things. Of course, the people who deny the existence of bias are as idiotic as the people who think we should investigate and prosecute people who might be racist. The president and his administration are not Christ and the disciples, rebublicans think they are and democrats won't be satisfied until they are. I mean, I think it's terrible that we are never fair to one another, it's tragic that some people live their whole lives with stigma because I am prejudiced, there is no excuse. But proving to me that I am guilty will do nothing, I know I need to change, but it's more difficult than just knowing.
I miss you guys. But we will all be seeing one another in less than three weeks! Wooooo!
I bombed the diagnostic exam, but I'm hoping I'll get to take the classes that I want anyway.

Nouwen uses a crystal ball

One of the books I'm reading for school is by Henry Nouwen. I'm not sure if this is one of those psych student things where you think everything you read is related to you, but honestly I think this book is really applicable right now. This is what Nouwen has to say about friendship

"Friendship is one of the most precious gifts of life, but physical proximity can be the way as well as in-the-way of its full realization.

Living together with friends is an exceptional joy, but our lives will be sad if that becomes the aim of our strivings. Having a harmonious team working in unity of heart and mind is a gift from heaven, but if our sense of worth depends on that situation we are sad people. Letters of friends are good to receive, but we should be able to live happily without them. Visits are gifts to be valued, but without them we should not fall into to temptation of a brooding mood. Phone calls, "just to say hello," can fill us with gratitude, but when we expect them as a necessary way to sedate our fear of being left alone, we are becoming easy victims of our self-complaints. We are always in search of community that can offer us a sense of belonging, but it is important to realize that being together in one place, one house, one city, or one country is only secondary to the fulfillment of our legitimate desire. "

this was from a chapter on how people can move from loneliness to a spiritually fulfilling solitude. I couldn't wrap my brain around that one, but the above passage spoke directly to my struggle with long distance friendships

I'm trying my hardest

I really want to blog about intelligent design, because I'm tired of reading crap, but I'm not going to because I promised I wouldn't, I am maintaining the integrity of this blog. This is a kickass blog, reserved for intelligent conversation about things that matter, like Mary's depravity, or deprivation, rather, and how Liz is a french ballerina, and how I am something else. But what i am NOT right now is an ID blogger. I refuse. Take that, blog world.
I read Goethe, I don't understand what is so amazing, quite honestly. maybe my expectations were too high since it is, supposedly, one of the seven wonders of the world. Will you guys critique my paper for me? I'm afraid I'll present it, and people will be like, um, duh, we already knew everything you said or that's so stupid it's not even worth talking about. And I'll stand there like an idiot and not know what to say. I made a hanging lamp, it is so ugly, but it was also kind of fun. I want to make lamps for everyone.

depraved

i mean... deprived.... of the internet. I have not been online for 2 days. it feels like 2 weeks! i feel like i've been fasting. how sad!

The new beginning is coming

I will apply to UW for next year, but only if Liz applies to UW and to SPU. I was reading C. S. Lewis, and I think people only like reading him because he tells them things they already know. So you're reading, and you're like, he's right, and so am I! About EVERYTHING!
I met a boy names Matt at the coffee shop, and asked him what he was studying the GRE book for. I thought maybe it would be something interesting like philosophy or literature, but no, it was winemaking. And he was also a chemical engineer. It was a preview of the people I will meet at Davis, agricultural people, or science people. He was nice enough, but not interesting interesting, you know, like you know there are so many things to talk about.
I am studying physics, fields and dipoles and point charges. I kind of like it, this next year won't be a complete hell.
"I would like to date someone smarter than me, but Albert Einstein's dead." -Mary March, last night.
This is the conference where I am presenting my paper. It's kind of intimidating. But who is excited to go to Seattle? I love my sister.

Lightning crashes

Cool song and cool force of nature. We had our first storm of the season tonight. I was driving to class and I saw a rainbow before the storm! Interesting huh? Then we had cool lightning and thunder that shook our building. I like lightning. The rumbling of thunder is cool too, as long as I know it is from the storm and not an earth quake... That makes me paranoid. All in all, I'm excited to have rain. It is an opportunity to wear warmer clothes and turn off the AC at work.

on another note, since Naomi seems to like when I use certain words, perhaps I will find a way to work it into each post. Today it will be the closing:

talk to yo' asses later

to crochet sounds nice.

i have not heard of them but will listen. invite that josh boy to see the blog, then he will understand what you really meant, and that he has put his foot in his mouth much more than you.
you know what? i have a lot more to say, but have been saying too much already. someone call me. i miss you.

I am losing the ability to think

I am reading Goethe (pronounced Gur-ta) and I can't get into it because nothing happens here and I am tired of reading. How is Mary March? We haven't spoken in a while. I will call you.

I do not want to go to Davis, but I want to go to school. We should all go to graduate school together. Mary can transfer, we can all follow Liz. One year, one year, one year.

We are all so old, I don't want to get old, my brain is gradually turning off. This happens when we get old. I am writing a paper now on how Polanyi solves the problems of modern epistemology, escaping the relativism introduced by Kuhn, and others such as Putnam, by making belief and commitment basic to knowledge. "We know more than we can tell" he says, but Putnam says we cannot know anything outside of language, language shapes thought. So these are the differences. Just thought I'd let you know. But it is so hard to think in these categories, I don't know if it's because I've been out of school so long (3 months!) or if I'm just getting stupider.

When it rains, we will wear scarves and sweaters and we will sing Christmas carols and go to church on Sunday, and everything will be better. Liz, have you heard of Longwave? I really like them, you should listen to some of their stuff on Amazon or itunes. I want to relearn how to knit scarves with one needle, you know what I mean, but I can't figure out how to spell it and I'm not going to embarass myself. I wrote a poem today about America, but I'm not going to post it because people who blog their own poetry are losers. The Josh boy told me he was jealous of my brain, and so I said, "I am jealous of my brain too, it is very sucessful." I realized later that this could be taken to mean, "Yeah, I'm so smart, I know it" not as I intended it, "I feel as though my accomplishments are not my own, but belong only to capabilities that I have no control over. I wish I were successful in the things I have control over." Ha, well, there goes that friendship. Hopefully not, because it is nice to get emails, he is interesting.

Speaking of poetry, someone said poetry reaches with words into the wordless. I was thinking about this: normal language, rational language seeks to be accurate, not descriptive. Poetry to the rationalist is outlandish, because the night is nothing like a patient etherised upon a table. It is much more like a big dark room, even more like a big dark room without a roof. I can't even really write poetry, but I think the hardest thing in it (it's the hardest thing for me, anyway) is to not be accurate, to go beyond description into art. Even in poems that have few analogies, you're holding in the light that thing that all of your images have in common, and the more varied your images, the more that thing becomes more clear. Although I'm not sure varied is the right word, actually I'm sure there is no one thing images should be in order to make a poem good. And that thing described in poetry cannot be described in a traditional fashion. People say poetry is emotional expression, I'm not sure about dividing it into emotion and reason, (like poetry is emotional language and prose/philosophy/normal talk is rational language) because I think that many things cannot be explained in the traditional way, and it is not just things we feel, it is something we sense, in whatever way. That's all. Goodnight.

what the quiz says about my thoughts on love

The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to obedience and warmth.In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

check out the trailer

This is going to be so stinking cool!
The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe

New coffee spot

Remember that coffee place you took us to in Napa, Nomes? Pete's Coffee & Tea I think. Well, they're putting one in down here in HB. It will be right by my nearest Barnes & Nobel, which makes me happy. I will have a starbucks alternative. You know I'm not much of a coffee person, but I like the idea of having a place that's not as trendy to go study. Funny how I didn't really care to go to coffee shops to study too much before, but now I'm excited about one. Must be being at home. I miss you guys so much that the smell of coffee brings me vicariously closer to you.

Long live the nation

You know, I when I view this blog the first word that comes to mind is 'life', Isn't that cool? It's not just the color scheme though. Think about it: this page is like a life line for us. It links us and becomes a conduit of livelihood. It is like the lifeblood of our souls.

wow I realized I just said the internet was my life. That is creepy, but it is true in a beautiful way. The internet as a whole is a blood sucker, but this blog can be rejuvenating. So, I'd like to say thanks. Thanks for being a source of new beginnings, fresh perspectives, and renewing grace. You guys are so cool.

make it your home page bitches.

my skin itches

I considered making this my home page, but it is too ugly. The pink and the gray are too mod for me. Pink is better when hot guys wear it as metro sexual shirts...or when it is in my hair. besides, this place does not get enough action. Hey, nomes can you invite molly to become a member? Even though she's not an internet addict I think she is starving for interaction with us. I vote for her to join.

this life is metaphysical.

the phone just rang, and it's late, so i answered it in my annoyance. "debbie?" she asked. no. "is your father asleep?" yes, would you like me to wake him? "yes, please."
i had a dream two nights ago about my grandmother... she was dying but doing much better than before, and my family was taking care of her, my sister and i specifically. she had been through much pain and difficulty, and as in real life, was a hard woman, but she was so happy when j and i were taking care of her. if ever we talked to her she was delighted, happier than she had ever been in her life, and i remember taking her hand as my dream ended and hearing someone say, "she was never happier than when with you, it was almost like ecstasy." i awoke praying for my grandmother, that the Lord would take her and release her from all of her pain; and He just did.
so tonight i hear my father's voice trailing down the hall with the light unwelcome creeping in beneath my door, "mom died," "mom just passed away...i don't know, but i'll keep you posted."
i don't understand this gap between ourselves and the rest of what is real. it feels as if it has grown with me, this gap; yet, i lament every one of my days lost, but in some differently unclassifiable way, i suppose, the door is closing on all of us. so what is the wind in the door?
i have felt it, and so i may pray for death of those bearing the weight of unbearable pain, still with this, i am not a child anymore.

dialogue with my cat

Me: I have no friends, no one to talk to. Emmitt, will you be my friend?
Emmitt: Of course.
Me: I'm a loner, I don't have any friends.
Emmitt: Don't be silly, you have lots of friends. What about Liz and Mary?
Me: They aren't here.
Emmitt: Well, you could have friends, but you tend to isolate yourself.
Me: It's true, you're right, Emmitt, when I feel lonely I cut myself off from the world. It's because I need to balance the fake interactions with real ones, so when I have no real interaction with people, I have no energy for the superficial conversations.
Emmitt: Stop making excuses.
Me: Okay. But my life is still over. I'm all alone.
Emmitt: You're never alone if you have Jesus.
Me: I don't know what to say to that. Stop messing with my head.
Emmitt: Don't get mad at me, I am your only friend, haha.
Me: I miss Toby, I wish I wasn't pissed, pissed at Daniel, and that there weren't piles of shit sitting around the house that I've rented, and I wish that my parents were here.
Emmitt: Well, Toby's dead, your parents are gone, your house is a shitbox, and you will always be pissed at Daniel.
Me: Well, thanks Emmitt, that's helpful.
Emmitt: Just trying to be honest.

Business casual?

Tomorrow is my first day at my new job. It is also orientation day at Azusa. So the question of the day is : what to wear? More than likely jeans are not a good idea. You have to be explicitly told they are okay before you don them at the office. So, a skirt then? But if I wear a skirt do I have to wear nylons? I hate nylons. I don't think I even own any. When I worked at Sears I just wore tights. But it is too stinking hot to wear tights this time of year in Southern California. That poses another problem: do I wear a blazer? Will I get too hot? Normally I always have a cardigan sweater but I no longer own any that are appropriate for a professional setting. And then there's this orientation issue. I have to drive directly from Los Alamitos to Azusa (I'm guaranteed to be late) so my outfit needs to be flexible for both environments. I won't have time to go home to change, let alone eat dinner. Oh, what to wear?! Who wants to come over and pick out my clothes?

post, post

It was so good to talk to Molly today. I forget what is important when I fail to talk to friends for long periods of time. Wait, real quick:

Advice for the day: Don't microwave plastic wrap, it releases carcinogens into your food. Use wax paper or a paper towel instead.

I spend too much time alone. Everyone is an idiot, except me, this is what I think when I am alone, and I get pissed at the world for being stupid and ill-informed. I hope I start spending time with you guys before I seriously go crazy. And there is too much hate in the world, and I hate too when I am not around you guys. I haven't gone to church consistently since I don't know when, Biola if we can call that consistent. I miss it. We should fill the world with love; I miss love.

i knew that's where i belonged: a french ballerina was really my destiny.

You Belong in Paris: Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris.The art, the fashion, the wine, the men!Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...You'll love living in the most chic place on earth



no shit?