it is sometimes something that grows and grows until we don't know what we're hearing anymore

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOLLY!
also, who couldn't love this little darling? oh, she is so adorable. i wish you all knew her:

i would like to say all of this a bit more artfully, but there is nothing here. life feels a bit empty, and also a bit weird. let me just break it down for you: my cousin proposed to his girlfriend on christmas. that's sweet.

so, moving forward. i no longer have a "job." so that...i don't know what to say about that. i need to find a new church. a few days ago a boy i knew eight years ago called me and wanted to hang out; he told me he thinks we're destined for each other (yes, he said that, yes, in those words); he also said last time he called two years ago i sounded like a stuck-up snob, but now i just sound lonely and depressed. so we hung out bc we are old friends and he seemed perceptive; he was the first person who's been honest and raw with me without pretense for far too long. he left wanting to date, i left with the realization of what an awful person i have become. that was humbling. i remember how much i love people who are hurting.

one of our cats has kidney failure, but she is not dead yet.

two days after the boy from eight years ago called, random call from exboyfriend. so, yes, that was completely random and odd. it breaks my heart; again i remember why i love hurting people, but am saddened by the way they hurt others.
so what is the point of all of this? i cannot make a judgment. of course i do not tell you all this just to tell you about things that happen to me, because they are not simply events. i tell you them because they affect me the way life does anyone. it all makes me so sad; which is unpleasant but of course a good thing. this kind of sadness is good for the soul--it keeps me in check. i wonder if loneliness is a result of not feeling understood. that is something i think i have lost (yes, i blame it on the wealthy-white-happy-and-ignorant-neo-con nature of biola, but it is also my fault), my understanding and compassion for people who are far different than i (yes, i do understand that that also extends to fake happy Christians; i'm working on that one). so that is even more humbling; it is something i used to consider a core part of myself, no longer. i hope i always see the life in people; we are all so beautiful.
i was going to be all sentimental and talk about this year and next year and life and blah blah blah, but i don't think i can stomach it. neither should you have to. so happy new year, friends. i am glad to know you, and thankful we are always growing.

Prospero año para todos y Feliz Cumpleaños para Molly Verde

happy new year amigas! I wanted really badly to throw a party, but since not all of you could come, I have been opted to make the perilous drive to Escondido in the rain tonight. This will be my first trip down there since freshman year, remember Nomes when we went down to see Lisa? Well, at least this time I won't need to worry about the wind blowing your contacts out of your eyes. I'll be wearing my glasses... and besides my windows don't roll down. For thoes of you will not be in southern California with us tonight, I will take some digital pics so you can pine later. Pray for my saftey and also for some good quality time with some very dear loved ones.

Also, Happy Birthday Molly Green! I love you and miss you!

I uploaded my digital pictures...

So, I kept telling Naomi how beautiful she looked at Disneyland but I don't think she believed me. Well, see for yourself: feast your eyes on the luscious dish also known as Naomi Luce!

Asking the obvious

Where the hell are OpinioNation and We read a lot a lot? How the heck is my mind supposed to grow if I have no realm to read all your thoughts? My brain may be the size of Jupiter, but our collecitve knowledge is like the sun.

Christmas Eve Spanglish

Mexicano Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,

Not a creature was stirring -- Caramba! Que pasa?

Los ninos were tucked away in their camas,

Some in camisas and some in pijamas,

While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado

In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado

To bring all children, both buenos and malos,

A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.

Outside in the yard there arose such a grito

That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.

I ran to the window and looked out afuera,

And who in the world do you think quien era?

Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero

Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.

And pulling his sleigh instead of venados

Were eight little burros approaching volados.

I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre

Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre

"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Chucho, ay Beto,

Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!"

Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho

He flew to the top of our very own techo.

With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,

He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,

Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,

With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,

He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos--

For none of the ninos had been very malos.

Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,

He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.

And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,

Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!

Mar Mry ary May

It happens to many many people. Suck suck ATM.
Guess what? Hahahahahahaha. You'll never guess. Except Liz, she knows already.

ATM's suck

Literally. They suck up your ATM cards and don't spit them back out. Or maybe that is just my card. Maybe it was just too tasty after having been in my magic Mary hands that the ATM machine just couldn't get enough. But actually, there was a technical glitch and my card got swallowed and would not come out of it's little stinking slot. I was so pissed. And to make matters worse, it was like 11 pm and cold outside. Sorry I didn't answer your call Liz. I was on hold with the bank of America lost and stolen cards customer service department when you called and texted me. So, I did NOT get to deposit my pay check, I have to see if I can leave work early to make it to the bank before it closes and retrieve my card and get the emergency hold removed from my account. Is this God's way of telling me to chill out? Or am I supposed to learn a valuable lesson about not using the ATM when the Brinks men are one the other side of the machine re-stocking the cash? hmm.

p.s. my co-worker has a bet running that one of two other co-workers will ask me out on a date before the year is out. I'm not sure if I'm up for it

these days i prefer silence, it is tomorrow i cannot forget

i went christmas shopping today; my bank account has $8 in it, and my credit card is charged up. as i am leaving i get a call from my boss who says it is impossible to keep me on payroll beginning january 1. who could've had better timing? merry christmas. so i'm looking at all this shit strewn about my room reminiscing on today as such a wasted day.

everything is meaningless. everything is meaningless. stand in awe of God. everything is meaningless.

i run around in these circles, tripping, running. find myself here again and again. i just want to be honest. honest with a boy: we fit together. honest with the church: i am disappointed in you. honest with my friends: i am sorry. honest with God: i don't, but want to, understand you.

in the temple of the LORD--much laden with gold--was art. the temple itself was a work of art. massive wooden cheribum in gold inhabited the inner sanctuary. on pillars, carved into walls were trees and flowers and pomegranates. the sea was held up by twelve bulls facing each direction. even the robes were adorned. cheribum, flowers, animals. here, man and the living God met. those with breath amidst representations of the world.

everything is meaningless. stand in awe of God. everything is meaningless.

i like it best the way naomi said it: "we cannot count them anymore, they are woven into our lives," our mistakes. i will never escape my suffocating nature, i must learn to breathe through it. i allow these things to become my parasites. love is nice, but others' burdens are easier to carry for those who do not share them. perhaps that is why i prefer my silence.

i had grown too accustomed to reminders of beautiful things at my every turn. but now that temple is gone, and here i must search a little harder.

stand in awe of God. everything is meaningless.

A note to the empowered

If you are ever struck by the urge to change the blog template, just remember that all modifications (such as links to our other pages) disappear when you change the format. But preserving them is simple: click on the template tab and scroll down until you see the little html codes for the links. Just select and copy them. Then after you have changed the blog format you can return to the template tab and paste the links in the proper place ( where it says googgle edit me or something like that) . *this is not directed at anyone in particular, I just know that we all need a little variety and like to change things up every now and then. I just don't want to lose my quick access to the other custom links!

Hmmmm

I am sorry to hear about your friend, (or sort-of friend) how sad and unexpected. I looked at his page, he seemed cool. How sad. I hope you are doing okay, and are able to be a support for your friends.
Rebekah is done! Join the rest of us in post-college depression! I hope the transition goes alright for you. Although I suppose I am not exactly out of college, perhaps Liz should be saying this, since she is the only one working, although she is still taking a class. You will be the only one not taking classes. So in a way, you are going where none of us have gone, you will be a working woman! Ha, I bet your lab coworker people think you are rad. (ohh, I hope me and Rebekah get to stare into the same petrie (How do you spell that word?) dish today, she is interesting and hot and edgy!)
I hope Mary didn't mind being dragged around with my family at Disneyland. I loved it. Mary Mary March. My dishes are rad, I was able to take them out and look at them. They look like pottery.
LANEY! Hi. I am running out of money, so you had better tell me what you want for Christmas QUICK or you will miss your chance. Just kidding. But I am running out of money. I will be rich again soon. Time to read, goodnight everyone. Merry Christmas.

no they'll never catch me now.

i just did so shitty on the GRE. good thing it's not a real test of my intelligence.

for like five minutes i was pissed and wanted to cry, thinking that my life was over and that i should just domesticate myself and find a man to marry whose "plan" i could align myself with, so that i could homeschool his children, clean his house, cook his food, and be a wife. but then i realized that just because the GRE does not test my trigonometry skills, which are exceptional, but tests my algebra skills (sort of, i just plain think it's a shitty test and always have--even before it told me it thinks i'm stupid), which suck and always have, does not mean that i am bad at life. i probably also would've done better if i believed in the test and cared (we all know i believe in myself...). so to make myself feel better i want to buy music, but don't have any money. this is more frustrating than my shittiest-ever-of-all-existence test scores.

too much left-brain stimulation makes me feel dead. someone take away these concomitant failings.

so now i may not get into grad school, and if i don't, then i'll join the peace corps or travel europe. perhaps i need that more before i try to help people. i just don't have anyone to travel with. maybe _______ will drop out of school for the fifth time and go with me. at any rate, i'm not a complete failure; everyone was still smiling at me when i opened up my visa envelope.

I just got the best job ever

So I'm going to work with the campus writer people. When professors do really interesting and cool things, I go interview them about the things they are doing, and then report to the science writer. I am going to learn science writing, (they will train me) and I may get to meet with Timothy Ferris (!) to talk about science writing. I am so so excited.

Speaking of credit cards

I just got a new visa platinum amazon credit card. It gives me money for amazon. Who is excited? Me. Yes, that is who. I wish I could have your pictures on it. I feel like my parents. James turned on the heat in the house tonight. I don't know how I feel about that. I am used to my three pairs of PJ pants and two sweatshirts, two fleece blankets a down comforter and a quilt. Although it makes it very hard to get up in the morning.
Sometimes when people ask me things, I think they are not asking me the question, they are asking me to say something stupid so that they can show me how wrong I am. "Wait," they say, "I want to hear you defend yourself on this point (SO I CAN DESTROY YOU)." This is what they are thinking. And perhaps I am wrong about a great many things, perhaps a good ass-kicking is what I need sometimes, but I just wish people would do it without that attitude, listen and then decide if I am wrong, you know. This bothers me.

the gift of love

so, with christmas around the corner, i'm sure you've all been thinking about what you want to buy me. i'll make it easy: e-harmony gift cards. think about it, if i get married, you can take the credit for making my romance possible, also i'll put you in the running for maid of honor. but, if it doens't work out, you will have still demonstrated your love for me by trying to bring a little love into my life. you can't lose either way.

My contribution

this is me under the influence of Gerardy





this one I call "shifty eyes"

HAUT!

rebekah matters

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i thought about putting this one of you and mike on, but then i decided that if you two ever broke up, i would be too sad to use my credit card. and then nothing would get done.

we fall but our souls are flying

who is taking over the nation? me, apparently.

so this is the picture i put on my credit card. that's right ladies, now your very beautiful faces will smile at me every time i spend money. one of these days i won't even need pictures, just credit cards.

A Physics Poem

   Schroedinger's cat

I have been reading of Schroedinger's cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously live and dead!
What I don't understand is just why he
Can't be one or other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
In one I'm enlightened, the other I ain't.
If you understand, then show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
Then I will and won't see you in Schroedinger's zoo.

sea salt tears swimming round as the rain comes down

so apparently my life is over. my very short life.
naomi says i write like annie dillard. "have you ever read her?" she asks.
no, no i have not. but i don't need to. my career is over, in fact, it has already been done for me. there goes all of my uniqueness. and i thought i was being experimental. WRONG!
my professor says that annie dillard bemoans a writer's condition, and she writes as one wallowing in self-pity. somehow, i am not flattered.
however, my professor also said that my story was phenomenal and he was riveted from the opening.
brilliant.
so if you would like to know anything about me, pick up annie dillard. perhaps i should read her. that would almost make her, in my world, posthumous to my own writing career. and i will wonder as i read, "my gosh, why didn't i ever publish what i wrote? well, i suppose there was no need; she has done it for me."

i'm editing this post, bc there's more i want to tell you. i just don't know about this GRE. i keep making stupid mistakes. it's because i think i'm so smart. honestly, i just glaze over things, knowing that i'm completely right and happy in my brilliance, except i'm wrong, almost EVERY FREAKING TIME. this pride, it gets in the way sometimes. it's baggage; good for self-confidence but man, there is obviously some dissonance between the world as is and the world as i think it acquiesces to my every whim.
ALSO, funny things of late:
=the entire semi truck i saw fenced in someone's back yard as i drove through the neighborhood
=the boy at the take-out window who wanted to take me out (he was like twelve; apparently he thought i was thirteen and had blackmailed my sibling for the car. besides, people who serve fast food should not pick up on people who eat fast food. they will have fat children.)
=the way i didn't get to go sledding down the icy streets last night (NOT funny, actually)
=the way the boy in starbucks, standing next to a girl he was obviously attracted to (me) told her about how he had to pull three cars out of ditches bc of the snow very ostentatiously, as if that's all a woman wants, a hero to pull her out of ditches (he must read John Eldridge)
=the way my friend told me the best book she's ever read was by John Eldridge (that was more sad than anything; and i was kidding about the whole attraction/me/boy in starbucks thing, so just CALM DOWN. i mean it actually happened, but...well, whatever.)
=the czech man i met in starbucks who used to be a count before the russians ran him out of his home in wwII and told me he lacked fear. he was funny, but quite an interesting case study to listen to. he didn't know i studied psychology. i don't think he ever asked me one question except to start the conversation about himself. but he was really interesting. was he lying to me? i don't know. apparently i'm bad at picking out the compulsive liars and not dating them. but i'm not dating him, so i guess that means he's probably not a compulsive liar.
=i had a bad bad very bad day so i drank a coffee instead of tea, and i've been shaking, sweating, and nervous ever since. that's not really funny. that's just weird.

here in our hollow we fuse like a family

i am off to study; i want someone to study with. i have been ready for three hours, waiting...for nothing really, since there is no one to study with. i am capable of studying alone, but i am tired of this thing, "alone." i just want a friend to be with. i don't even want to talk, i just want to be with someone else. i miss studying together, not talking but somehow bonding in our quiet thoughts that we thought beside one another.
and i miss lido. if i must be alone, i would prefer it there. i miss dancing around there in my pleated skirt or slips or stretching out languidly across the stained, blue carpet. i miss playing crab soccer in my living room and sitting at the table with mary wondering why n wasn't home, even though she wasn't supposed to be.

What the hell?

what happened to my links? i had a link to my page, opinionation, reb's blog, and we read a lot. did some one seriously delete them on purpose or did they just dissappear? Liz, if this is your fault then you need to fix it. Damn the pink!

Ten questions

Go here and answer them: naomiluce.bravehost.com/index.html. It's anonymous.

So I think that Les Miserables is a really really good book. I've only read about 100 pages so far, but it is so good. I can't believe you didn't like it Liz! It is so good! That's really all I have to say about it.
I don't like foundationalism, I don't think. Or I don't like it as it is in the minds of most of the population. But that is not for this blog.
I'm going to go read that wonderful book instead of doing physics. Physics is the worst and best thing in the world. Like most things. Except books, they are all the best thing. Them and Jesus, and you guys. And my family. And Toby, but he's gone now.
Doesn't it seem odd to anyone else that we only give out of our excess? I remember one Christmas that Wendy was so poor, she made all of our gifts by painting vases she got at thrift stores; she could hardly afford to eat. In fact, I'm sure she was deprived of some food in order to make us those vases. She would ride her bike everywhere within reasonable biking distance because she couldn't afford gas and things like that. And those were the best Christmas gifts, those vases, I love them. I was talking to Mary about this, why do we allow ourselves to waste money on others? I don't hesitate to spend nearly $50 on a family member for something that I would never buy myself. And they do the same for me, and then I have all this incredibly nice stuff (guitar, printer/scanner/copier, iBook, ipod mini) and I feel guilty for owning all this stuff already, I don't want anything else, just a basket for my bike, CDs to learn german, rain pants for biking in the rain (I love rain, I ran in the rain this morning, it was beautiful), maybe a bowl to eat out of, although the tupperware is just fine. It is disgusting to me, I am disgusting to me, as I spend $2 on tea and listen to music on my ipod while reading, watch movies on my $1500 laptop, use my scanner once every couple of months, but just for fun, the rest of the time it just sits there. And I'm grateful for the gifts that are given to me, I just feel it is a waste sometimes. My parents need a new computer, I could give them my laptop and printer/scanner, they would use the scanner more than I would anyway, plus not having a computer would help me concentrate on academics. My sister could have my ipod, she has one but its battery is shot and it doesn't hold much music. My brother actually plays the guitar much more than I ever do, and mine is a lot nicer than the one he has. I would like start playing piano more anyway, I miss that much more, I can actually play more than chords on the piano. Anyway, this is me talking about myself a lot so I'm going to stop. I just wish we didn't all live so normal, we live the same as anyone else, we are so self-indulgent. I love Christmas, and I love that we overdo it, giving is almost a vice in my family, and perhaps that is why it seems okay, because there is so much love there, and this two-hundred dollar ipod is an expression of that love.
I suppose there are two ways of valuing money too much, we can either hoard it and spend it on ourselves because we think it is so valuable, or we can get pissed at people who hoard it and spend it because we think it is so valuable, and can change the world for good. Where is the line? Maybe the second group is right to get angry, perhaps money can do a lot of good, if we give it to the right people, and I really should sell this excess and send the money to world vision or amnesty international.

FUN!

This is my favorite pictures. Molly is blowing wonderful things at the world, Liz is loopy dancing dreamy staring off into space, and I'm kind of creepy evil. There it is.
One of my students asked me which class I would be TAing next time, I think because he wanted me again. Another one said he learned a lot from me, unlike his math TA who is 'boring and stupid.' And they think I'm cool! So I feel like I am a success!
I think I found someone in Boston that I want to study under. She does phil of physics but is also very interested in religion. And she is young, and has published a lot, and BU is a good school for what I want to do. I don't know if I should contact her. I know it is standard in physics, but I am not sure about philosophy. And it would be bad if I wrote her and she wrote me back, who the hell do you think you are, I don't have time for this! So I'll wait, I've got time anyway. I think.