What is going on.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow because my kidney hurts.

recusant

i am sick of hearing only what's going on with mary. i am boycotting the nation--no posts, no comments, nothing--until someone other than mary starts posting. wth? what's going on with you, rebekah? you went to new york and quit talking to us. are you locked in a dungeon somewhere, hands tied, mouth stuffed, unable to move? naomi? are you still alive? are you with rebekah??
i would like you to recognize that if i quit posting then it will only be mary left, just mary. she can hardly defend our strongholds herself. and then you all will be responsible for the downfall of the nation. would you like that blood on your heads? there is no need for patriotism when there is nothing left to be patriotic about. i hope that makes you feel sad.

the last days

today was my final day of work. no more work. i am officially unemployed, AGAIN. i'm trying to look at the bright side. i'll miss those kids; i didn't want to leave.
my aunt told me after school today that one of my favorite children (who of course is a problem child--how else do they become my favorite if they're not a problem child?) said very matter-of-factly a few days ago, "you know, there's something that's been bothering me lately. i hear voices that tell me to do bad things, and i look around, but no one's there." his mom's schizo, and his brother shows signs of it too. doesn't have a dad. doesn't have enough food. he's a kid i just want to take under my wings and give love to until he's grown so that he won't have such a hard life; and we all know i'm not all that nurturing. but, i guess this is a good thing, social services is getting involved now and hopefully something good will come of it. that is the story of most of these kids' lives, which is sad whether they're my favorites or not. and i am so sad to leave them.
but i guess it's those things which make me want my doctorate so that i can help children like him. i love that kid, i hope someone raises him up in love like that so he'll know how special and valuable he is. i guess it's always hard to leave children who need stability in their lives because their parents are at war, or in jail, or just not around--physically or emotionally; and to whom you provide stability. i love those kids. i'm going to be back someday.

Guess what?

I have a hot lunch date for today. Can you gess whose eyes I will be contently gazing into across the table?

Fix me!

Liz, I am going to need some serious re-training. I don't know if it is because I've been living at home, that I'm unmotivated, that I''m easily distracted by time consuming tasks, or if I'm just out of mental shape.... but I have done zero reading all weekend. I have not done any reading for class since I waited to pick Steele up from school on thursday. Can you help me break this habit? It is driving me crazy! They have assertiveness training, relaxation training, and public speaking classes. Do they have motivation lessons? Time management classes? Sometimes I wish life was like the Matrix and we could just download all the info we needed into our brains. Wouldn't that be nice?
I'm listening to Outkast right now... "I'm sorry Miss Jackson... I am for reeeeeal" Man, we are gonna bump it when we live together Liz!


by the way, it is currently raining in southern california

spring is my favorite season. i wish i could describe its fullness and beauty to you, but it is hardly comprehensible to me. these--some of the most beautiful things in life--i fear, are those things we cannot always share with one another...the way the air fills your lungs, the way the wheat and flowers begin to sag because they are so full--just as those who are full of years begin to stoop.
living in L.A. is difficult, i saw someone has written. i am glad i am not the only one who thinks so, because i consider it to be so. one would not think this, never having lived there, or even having grown up there. it has all the world can offer--in just one city! so much to do, so much to have, so much opportunity! but it is so much about politics, images, and pretty things. where are the beautiful things about life in L.A.? being surrounded by easy things, pretty things, makes it difficult to recognize the value in difficult things, those that take effort, those that do not constantly fly by our fingertips. i recognized this when i came back home; and i fear losing this understanding again as i leave. it was a difficult transition coming back here, and i think my loss of knowing that is why.
spring really is incredibly beautiful. but, as i suppose we know, "april is the cruellest month" as the ground churns up things that have had the luxury of slumber all through winter. the winter in its stillness really is quite useful, and in many ways, necessary. los angeles could use some winter. today, today, i do not want to go back.

POSTpost posty Post

I think I have a migrane like Liz. I have a throbbing pain behind my eye and in the left side of my brain behind my face. I was feeling dizzy, over stimulated by light, and a little nousious. So i took two advil and laid down for 45 minutes. I took a cat nap but I don't think it helpes. The throbbing is a little less intense now but is still there. I think I'm going to drink some water. I think I read some where that migranes may be relates to dehydration. i hope it helps because i have a lot of reading i need to do and i have to go to biola and go get Steele from school. So much for a productive day!

i am so pissed

about the new dent in my car and the fact that it was created by someone who was trying to break into it.

Should I be offended?

As a new car owner, I get lots of mail from the dealer and various places asking me to take surveys. Today I got one in the mail from the manufacturer wanting me to rate various aspects of the vehicle's functioning. But also included was a card with a quarter glued to it next to a caption saying, "a small token of our appreciation". What a joke! I laughed out loud. How funny right? But then I almost felt like they were trying to buy my opinion, as if giving me 25 cents would entice me to do something that I probably would have done for free just because I'm bored. I mean, what is the world coming to? Liz, I hope wherever you bought your car from sends you coins in the mail. Then you can save up for the laundry machines. Ha!

Purging

Here's a topic for us... (and a new thread. 23 comments means we need a post)
Liz, I know you are on a purge kick as you sell and use up everything you don't wish to bring with you to CA. I too am in a bit of a purging mood. I've been going through boxes in my closet and tossing things I thought I might one day miss. I may still miss them one day, but as of right now I don't really care. I've been eyeing my book shelf and have been trying to determine what I should get rid of, can pack away, and what I want to have accessible in the apartment. You never know when an old text book can fulfill a reference quota! It tears me up to get rid of books since I one day want a library in my home, but I also think that it's dumb to keep things that you don't use. There are, however, a few books I kept because I thought they made me smarter or more well rounded. But the truth is that I will never open them again because I hated reading them in the first place. So, I'll post a list of them and you can tell me if you want them or if I should sell them. Here goes....
Blessed are the cynical by Ellingsen (from theology, morality, and culture)
Questions that matter by Miller (from intro to philosophy)
Engaging God's World by Plantinga
Christians in the cross fire by McMinn & Foster
Don't check your brains at the door by Josh Mcdowell & Bob Hosteler
Making sense of it all by Morris (from into to philosophy)
Will the real Jesus please stand up by Copan (from Johnanine lit)
Moral freedom by Alan Wolfe (from theology, morality, and culture)
The Dead by James Joyce (from lit & film)
Dubliners By Joyce (from film & lit)
How to read the bible for all it's worth by Fee & Stuart (from spiritual formation)
Selected stories by Dubus (from film & lit)
Reaching out by Nouwen
can you drink the cup by Nouwen
Wuthering heights
the man who would be king by Kipling (from film & lit)
The search for significance
the four witnesses by Griffith & Jones
love's executioner by Irvin Yalom (existential case studies)
how can it be alright when everything is all wrong? by Smedes
The bible code

hey Liz, you know how there are books at the gypsy den. Do you think some of them are donated? Maybe I could plant some of the more interesting ones there. What do you think?

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I'm awake before noon! I think I'm going to go set up my hammock and read in the back yard while I work on my tan.

the fated day has come and gone.

Tyrannotaurus Rex's last day has come. i was sad to get rid of him, actually. the people at the new place laughed at me for it. let's take a moment of silence to remember him.....


now, take a look at the new thorn in my bank account's flesh:

Jobs NOT to take

msn has a list of the 20 worst paying jobs in America. Read the article.

Gross-ness

My exam is tomorrow. I had to drink 6-8 glasses of water today and have been limited to a clear liquid diet. This sucks. I also just drank a sodium solution that I'm already starting to feel the effects of. I will probably spend the rest of my evening intermittently visiting my throne. Not fun, but tomorrow will be even worse once the "exam" begins. Whoever said "you should have that checked out" should die a fiery death.

let's have a party. RIGHT NOW. who's up for it? i want one.
i am so excited to have fun again. i'm so tired of not being funny. and hanging around old people who have been around children so long they forget how to socially interact with adults. unless of course, they have heinous souls inside and they hate children and only work at elementary schools to unleash their beastly anger upon these poor children because they've saved it up from their school days and revert back to their elementary days whenever they see children, but have become the bullies because they have POWER now. the majority of women i work with are going through menopause. they talk about it at lunch everyday. i think I'M starting to go through menopause. i'm excited to have friends again. friends that are fun. i'm so bored. seriously. bored.
i don't laugh a lot anymore, so i don't like to talk.

we found a kingdom but didn't know what to do with it.

does anyone else ever feel like their roots go too deep?

there is a girl who lives in france. i am jealous of her, truly. i belong there, in crowded simplicity. with yellow doors and white outlines. armoirs and trellises. words like marshmallows or thin chocolate squares in your mouth. i want to go. go go go, somewhere, everywhere, there is so much to see, but i have known so little of it. perhaps i have known better things. different things, nonetheless. some days i wonder if i should join the army just to travel, and be a psychologist. ha! me in the military? imagine. i think it would crush my spirit, all that organization, uniformity, indoctrination. i hate it. i use that center word as it was meant to be used: with fervor. hate. i think i mean it.
there are things i hate more, though, because there are things more worth hating.
i want to forsake everything to move to france, drink tea in a cafe, mill around bookshops and let delicate music float through the air with my thoughts as i dine in my quarters. i want to take pictures and enjoy beauty. i don't mind doing it without anyone. sometimes i remember how alone we are, like the snowflakes when they are falling. and then again, not alone at all.
alone or not, whatever my perception may be, days like today remind me that this place is not permanent, nor is it my home. i love my friends. love with a love that might die if it had to. we talk so much of love; it is a hailed thing, a satisfying thing, a beautiful thing. but today my heart is breaking for my friends. breaking because i love them; because their hearts will not break; because we are all the same and i know i lie in the same danger they do. i am not exempt from the ways we all may fall. i myself am no different.
days like today make me feel so alone. days like today i wish i was alone.

forgive me when i speak of myself too much but really mean to speak of other things. i will someday remedy this.